I´ve been a single mother since the moment I found out I was pregnant. By the time I was feeling sick and all that, I was as single as one can be. Four years later I keep single and despite our society assumption that happiness is part of having found a soul mate (check any Hollywood movie, sitcom or any feedback given by media in general) I´m very happy indeed.
It might look to you that there must be something wrong here otherwise why would I want to make a point about it, right? Well, I want to make a point about it to go against our typical media feedback. There should me more stories about people being happy just as they are, with no need of a soul mate.
Being single doesn´t necessary mean not ever having anybody. By single, I understand that someone (like me) dates occasionally or even long-term but doesn´t commit to living together. This non-commitment isn´t something everlasting, who can know this? It´s just what it is and what makes somebody keep the single title for the time being.
Like most people I love to be with somebody, a man, a friend, a lover, but I love to be on my own as well.
As a single mother, there are a few great things that happen only because I am alone. I numbered five here:
1. A very strong bond between me and my kid (the hours being spent with someone surely add to intimacy and knowing someone better).
2. No arguments about how to raise my kid. I´ve seen couples with totally different approaches on parenthood. It ´s a big challenge to raise a kid with another person that doesn´t share your ideas about education. One thinks it´s ok to hit kids, the other is against it, I´m out of this.
3. No sex requested after a full day. Being awake since five in the morning and then putting the baby to sleep at night can be a challenge to one´s libido 
. I can go straight to bed after Luísa sleeps. No talking, no sex, no nothing (maybe a book or a movie), I can pull a pure and beautiful 8-hour sleep.
4. Easier planning on eating times. Making lunch, recycling lunch, splitting a plate at a cheap place, going vegetarian for a week, whatever I decide is fine. I only have lunch as the big meal of the day. We eat fruits in the morning, have a real lunch and at night probably either have some lunch leftovers or have a snack. Easy like that.
5. More freedom to come and go. Couples are always into what each other is doing and combining schedules. Don´t get me wrong, it´s great, but not having it is awesome too.
I don´t mean to say it´s better to be single, I don´t really think there is only one good situation. This is what I know and I happen to enjoy it a lot.
If I ever get married though, you can bet I´ll be writing about how awesome it is too.
{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }
Hi Marilia.
I fully agree with your revindication that an independent life as a single can be equally rewarding. In traditional societies being single is generally frown upon because marriage was seen as the only natural destiny for everyone (who was not “married” to a God that demanded celibacy), but incraesinly in the West, and very much so in Europe, people tend to find life as singles perfectly fullfilling. Many people have partners and prefer, economy permitting, to live in separate homes and meet when they choose, on the good moments. There are even supermarkets that cater for them and sell food in smaller portions for just one person.
Yeah Eric, many people can be happy with marriage and many people can be happy withouth it.
Life can be very different for everyone, I hope we are entering an era where the uniformities will vanish and we will see lyfestyles we couldn´t even imagine before.
As a stressed out non-single mom I can only dream about not to having to cook hearty man friendly meals every day or dealing with totally unwelcome sexual advances after marathon breastfeeding sessions. And I hate having to compromise. But I wouldn’t have it any other way.
You are right about the media and society obsession with the soul mate fantasy. How many films are there about happy single people? Unless you count porn or action stars I can’t think of any. And how about happy single mothers? This is actually quite spooky when you think about it.
Thank you for your thought provoking blog.
Thank you for your humorous input Ella.
True true, single mothers in movies are usually after the perfect marriage with the man that will look after their kid, as if this was the ultimate goal for a single mom. Even that Sex In The City – The Movie (which I found horrible, by the way) is all about Carrie getting married, it´s ridiculous.
I like your post! Thanks!
I have never been a single mom, but oh, I remember being a single young woman. It was great! I didn’t marry until I was a little bit older, at 28. And while I was having fun, playing in the great outdoors and traveling, my friends and roommates really lamented being single.
I think that having children does add a little more demand on time and things to do and so forth. Even though I am married, my husband is at work quite a bit. And when he was in the military, my son and I spent a lot of time on our own while he was serving in different countries and not at home with us. Being a single woman, with no children is much different than raising a child on your own. It can get a little overwhelming.
Support is good…and so is finding a positive perspective in your circumstance, like you do.
There are positives in everything. And you seem like a very independent and courageous soul anyway, who is doing very well.
Thank you Beth, for saying I´m doing very well
Yes, finding the positive perspective is key to have a good quality life.
Everyone has a personal reason to feel overwhelmed. And everyone can find how their world rocks.
I sure can relate to this post! The strong bond with my kid, no arguments with my (absent) kid’s father, freedom to explore my own interests (and those of my kid) without worrying about fitting someone else in… All of those aspects of single mamahood are great! I’d add the fact that my kid never has to fight for attention and can sleep with me whenever she likes. Being a single mother is indeed awesome!
Oh yeah, co-sleeping as a single mother is really lovely, why would we not do it, right?