I was in São Paulo, Brazil, where my family lives for 10 days. The very first day I got there, I went to the mall with my sister to look for a coat for my 5-year old. After trying out some clothes and shoes, it was time to go.
My daughter didn´t want to put her shoes on, she wanted to be barefoot. I let her.
My sister tells me horrified: ¨You are not going to let her walk barefoot here, she can´t!¨
¨Why not? The floors here are almost cleaner than in my house¨.
I hope she doesn´t step on something disgusting, I couldn´t see anything on that floor dangerous.
Then my sister said: ¨If she does it, then my daughter will imitate her¨.
Fair enough, her 3-year old could do it and I was afraid of my sister´s reaction, so I took my kid aside and told her: ¨Please, put your shoes on, otherwise your cousin will copy you and her mom doesn´t let her¨. Luckily, she cooperated.
When my daughter was 2,5 years old, I had the same argument with a boyfriend.
We were in Santiago, Chile and it was my daughter´s first time using closed shoes. We went out one morning and she took them off. I tried to make her wear them, we were in the street, but she wouldn´t and so I let her (Santiago’s streets downtown are amazingly clean, not that I was comfortable with it, I just saw there was no point in forbidding it).
My boyfriend went crazy about it. He wanted me to make her use her shoes. He couldn´t imagine a child walking barefoot in the city. We argued and I told him he could try to convince her himself. He didn´t.
We were on our way to a Montessori kindergarten, where my daughter would go for a month and the teacher was fine with it. It wasn´t a problem that Luísa was the only barefoot child in the group and when I picked her up, she was wearing her shoes and didn´t complain about using them anymore.
In both situations, it was cold. I was bothered about the cold. But heck, I know my daughter won´t be feeling cold for long before she herself decides to be warm.
I think that both my sister and my boyfriend were more concerned about what people would think than in any danger of walking barefoot (even though believing it was all about safety and health).
Maybe they were also worried that if I let her do it, then she will feel that she can do anything else (as in any type of breaking rules that she can think of. Is it really a bad thing?)
There are other expected behaviors in our society that I´m more worried about breaking than in following. I wish that more kids were allowed to walk barefoot or to decide on things that concern their own bodies more often.
São Paulo: 20 million people, 7 million cars
¨Put your coat on¨, for instance.
I say that to my daughter, but in more like a hope that she will do what would make me feel good about how she is dressed.
She often says no. And I remind her that I have the coat if she wants it later (wich she takes, later). Lately, I´ve been thinking that reminding her that I have the coat is so silly, because she can see that I have it.
People around me told me to make her have her coat on at times. I felt bad saying what seemed so simple: ¨If she feels cold, she will put her coat on¨.
So many useless fights go on every day with our children around absurd things like guessing that they are cold, when they are not, or doing what everybody else is doing.
{ 9 comments… read them below or add one }
So true. Grandma in Tennesse says wear your shoes! grandma in Costa Rica says Pura Vida no shoes no worry! What would the Bri Bri do?
I don´t know, but Bri Bri parents can be stricter than we think…
I agree with you and can even relate to your daughter’s resistance to wear shoes…she had the opportunity in CR to live in such a free way that it is difficult to adapt back to societal norms.
Our feet were meant to walk on! That’s why they’re designed the way they are….we have our shoes on…they are the soles of our feet.
Much like getting burned on a hot stove and learning that one should not touch a hot burner…I’m sure she will determine that her shoes are a good option after she steps on something that does not agree with her, or hurts her little feet.
Bravo to you for letting her decide!
I guess it’s more than to wear or not to wear shoes. But as parents I feel like I have to set limits for my children everyday. It’s restricting for me as it must be for them. Sometimes even I find it hard on where to draw the line on certain things. For example: just the other day, we were having a family gathering and my son saw me cutting up apples and said he wanted a piece. But I told him, “no eating before dinner time.” Then he begged and begged and cried and fussed. I just kept refusing him and telling him fruits are for after dinner. But I wouldn’t give in to his request because everyone was watching me and watching how I would handle this situation. And somehow I thought I had to be the absolute authority in this situation in front of this audience. Then before going to bed and I reflected on the whole situation and thought “so what if he has a piece of apple before dinner time. It’s not like it’s going to affect his appetite dramatically. Why didn’t I just let him?” I guess the norm in Asia is that parents have absolute authority and we tell kids what to do and kids don’t get to make any decisions. I specifically told myself I wasn’t going to be that kind of parent, but I sometimes find myself violating my own parenting rules. In this case I was more worried about what other people think than what my kid wants. I love that your daughter is allowed such freedom to make decisions for herself.
That´s a good example you gave, I had that with my daughter too, trying to make her wait for dinner properly, but I decided that if what she wants it´s a fruit or a vegetable, than I don´t say a word (it´s probably better to have it raw anyway than wait for a cooked meal). If it´s a chocolate treat, then I enforce the waiting for dinner.
I guess we all give in to what the audience wants at times, but it´s good to have in mind to give in to what our kids want more often than not (as long as it makes sense).
It’s winter here now and my son rarely wears a jumper to school. Sometimes I remind him but I don’t enforce it as I figure he’s old enough to wear one if he’s cold. And I see some kids going to school wearing shorts and a t-shirt.
I’m 23 and I have always hated wearing shoes, and even more so wearing socks. I still have this disagreement with my dad occasionally. During the winter months, he repeatedly tells me I should be wearing socks to keep my feet warm. Now that it is summer, I only wear shoes to work. Otherwise I keep a pair of flats in my car in case I am going somewhere that absolutely requires shoes. My dad again expresses concern for me not wearing shoes, worrying that I will hurt my feet. I see that his concern is genuine, but I remind him that at my age I can take responsibility for what I choose to wear (or not to wear).
I can honestly say that I’ve never severely injured my feet, and I couldn’t care less about what people think about my lack of shoes. I admire that you are willing to let your daughter make her own decisions, and that you don’t let society influence your decisions or hers.
My child is still a baby and I am constantly finding myself consumed with how he will be raised. I love him so very much and I think like all parents I want better for him than what I had. I live in the U.S. and the western ways are hard for me to swallow even though I was raised here. I so much want for my son to grow up feeling free and confident in himself, but then I read articles saying how children may resist discipline and limits at first but really they have a need and desire for it. Like…what??? I don’t know which path to go! It’s like one day I will read the most convincing article about attachment parenting (which I do) and then the next someone will be telling me I need to let him cry it out or he will learn how to manipulate. It’s terribly annoying and mind boggling. I don’t want to mess my kid up. I want to encourage his creativity and his dreams. I often wonder if I have to leave North America to escape the possibilty of him being exposed to the “one way” thinking. I am so petrified that consumerism and advertising will turn him into a bottomless pit drone. I have dreams of raising my son around different cultures and places and exposing him to the beauty of nature and humanity. But I wonder how can this be possible… I truly want to let my son decide if he wants/needs to wear shoes but it’s quite intimidating to do when society (and family) is staring at you waiting and watching for you to make the “right” move.
Oi Marilia,
You pointed out one of the ironies I have found interesting while living in Brazil. My daughter’s grandparents constantly tell her to put on her chinelos (flip-flops) yet they keep thier little trash can on the sink next to all the food and dishes and have no problem keeping food out all day without putting it into the fridge. I ask myself which is more dangerous; not wearing shoes or those two bacteria bombs…..
I do kinda see their point about wearing shoes, especially at their house, because they live in the countryside of São Paulo (Guararema) where there are a lot of nasty bugs, their two dogs, and thorny plants. I let her go bare-foot in our apt but make her wear shoes when she goes to the courtyard to play.