On my personal quest for practicing gentle guidance with my daughter, I learned about the RIE (Resources for Infant Educarers) , through Janet Lansbury. It´s basically about respecting and trusting babies as whole human beings and it gives us lots of ways to do so.
I´m happy to interview Janet, a RIE instructor for parents who shares all her experience in her blog. Janet´s posts, links and community are a great source for parents to build and maintain a good connection and use positive discipline with our children.
So, let´s get to it!
Janet, can you describe a bit of RIE, and what your work with RIE is about?
Janet: RIE is a non-profit organization founded by infant specialist Magda Gerber in 1978 that is dedicated to infants, toddlers and their caregivers. We provide education and support for parents and child care professionals.
Our approach is based a view of infants as unique individuals — whole people — and capable ones, too. We aim to treat infants with the same level of respect we would extend to an adult. We believe babies capable of participating actively in relationships with the adults who care for them, and help adults recognize a baby’s abilities.
The late Magda Gerber was my mentor, and since 1994 I have been a certified RIE instructor. I love teaching Parent/Infant Guidance Classes. The main thing we teach is observation, which is the best way to understand babies. Observing our babies helps us see the difference between our adult perceptions and our baby’s reality. It’s illuminating and endlessly fascinating.
In October 2009, my blog was launched. It is the first (and hopefully not last!) active blog about the RIE philosophy. I’ve been inundated with questions from enthusiastic parents for whom RIE has opened up a whole new understanding of their babies and parenting…and I’m loving that!
How old was your daughter when you first approached the RIE parenting classes? What did you start to put into practice right then that changed your parenting?
Janet: I was a clueless, overwhelmed and depressed new mother when I happened to read a quotation from Magda Gerber in an article about children and creativity and was intrigued (“Take the mobile off the bed, take care of their needs and leave them alone.”)
My daughter was 3 ½ months old when I brought her to a RIE class. I had believed I needed to provide non-stop amusement and entertainment for her during her waking hours, to ‘stimulate’ her, which had been exhausting and crazy-making (for her, too, I imagine!). In the class I was asked to try placing her on her back on a blanket and just sit nearby. I was completely blown away when she was occupied with her own thoughts for almost 2 hours, perfectly content. (I write about this intro to RIE in Blue Sky Thinking.)
I immediately went home and began arranging our life around making lots of time each day for my baby to engage this way — “uninterrupted play”, as Magda Gerber called it. Watching my daughter gave me joy — made me excited about parenting!
I read in one of your posts that Magda Gerber didn´t believe in time outs. What´s the most appropriate way to control a child´s behavior? Or how does the RIE approach handle children´s challenging behavior?
Janet: First, as parents, we must know in our hearts that we are in control, and our children need to feel that we are, too. We don’t break our child’s spirit by saying “no” and clarifying what he is or isn’t allowed to do. Misbehavior is usually a child’s way of telling us he is tired, needs more attention or more clarity. Children need to learn self-control, and they do that when we give them guidance kindly, patiently and confidently.
Time out is a punishment that doesn’t teach a child correct behavior. All the child learns is “I did something bad.” Our children need to know what we expect. They need “time in”. They need teachers, not enforcers. So RIE suggests keeping it simple, fair and honest, and explaining the logical consequence for a child’s action, i.e., if you throw your food down I will put the food away and we will be finished with lunch. I don’t want you to throw the toy truck. If you can’t play with it safely, I will put it on the shelf. If you refuse to get dressed, we can’t go to the park today.
The key is to stay calm, confident and feel on top of the situation. These very small people seem HUGE to us sometimes, especially if we give them too much power. We are the ones in charge, and our children need us to be. How can they feel secure if we bend to their wishes to prevent them from crying, or if they can make us angry or upset so easily? (I detail this approach to discipline in my most popular post No Bad Kids – Toddler Discipline Without Shame)
How do you educate a parent in educating children? Can you talk a bit about your work along the parents?
Janet: One of the most brilliant things Magda Gerber taught me was to trust infants and toddlers to be self-learners. That was the lesson I gained in my first RIE class, and it is the basis of what I teach parents for the two years they attend our classes. Babies will seek out exactly what they are ready to learn if we allow them to. They always do what they are capable of doing and ready to do. And this is a big relief for parents, because it means we don’t have to teach. If we provide a physically safe, emotionally nurturing and cognitively challenging environment, we can leave the rest up to our child.
We encourage parents to observe their babies in our class and at home. When we observe, we recognize and appreciate all our children are doing, rather than focusing on the next milestone and worrying that our child hasn’t achieved what so-and-so’s baby has.
What´s the biggest difficulty parents have when starting to use the RIE approach?
Janet: It’s tough for all of us to change habits we’ve begun with our baby, but not nearly as difficult as we fear it will be. For example, parents learn in our classes (through observation) that placing an infant in a sitting position actually restricts movement and therefore interferes with the development of motor skills. But as long as the parent is still holding on to the old way, it’s hard to for the child to feel content in the back or tummy position. Once the parents take a leap of faith and commit to a change, transitions are much easier than parents expect.
Can a parent be too late in adopting the RIE approach? If you don´t start while your child is an infant, can you still introduce the RIE approach?
Janet: No! And YES, absolutely! For example, here’s a post about encouraging independent play with an older toddler: Solo Engagement – Fostering Your Toddler’s Independent Play.
I´d only like to add that the comments on this post you mentioned are really worth reading too.
What simple advice you can give us about parenting?
Janet: It’s hard to resist answering this with some famous Magda Gerber mantras… “Pay attention.” “We all need someone who understands.” “Do less, observe more, enjoy most!”
Sounds like the best parenting advice for me. Thank you Janet, for talking about your beautiful work with us here.
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I love Janet (who has been gracious and generous with her time to become a mentor to me), and this is a wonderful introduction to RIE. I’ve incorporated RIE into my parenting since I learned about it a few months ago, and am thrilled with the positive change in my relationships with both my sons. It’s exciting to see other writers tell the RIE story!
Thanks for sharing your enthusiasm on RIE here, Suchada. I´ve found Janet´s posts really helpful in my relationship with my daughter as well and I tell everyone about her blog , now in a more formal way
Suchada and Marilia, thank you both for your kind words! My recent connection with both of you makes me very happy.
A wonderful interview Marilia. I always enjoy reading Janet’s advice and opinions and you did a wonderful job pulling out many things I didn’t know. You asked Janet if it was ever too late to employ the RIE approach. Janet cited to another article which I admit I haven’t read, but I agree with Janet’s NO whole heartedly.
I made lots of mistakes raising my son, in fact I am probably a case book example of what not to do. He is a wonderful son in spite of all my mistakes. More than any other thing in life, I want to us to be as close as any father and son can be.
Today I am altering the methodology I once believed in. I am changing the manner in which “I” interact with him, allowing him to be himself. I didn’t think it was possible – my son is 25 now. I have employed much of what I have learned from Janet, and it’s workng very well for me. Her advice that we respect the child’s abilities just as we respect an adults works equally well in reverse, at least it has for me. Where I once corrected my son, today I simply discuss alternatives, allowing him to find his way, not mine. Where I used to “tell him,” today I “listen to him.” Exactly as Janet points out, he tells me and I learn what he needs, not want I think he should have or how I think he should do it. Janet makes an excellent point when she discusses the difficulty in letting go of what are used to and what we think we know. All I did for my son I believed in wholeheartedly, but I was often wrong.
As I now abandon “my” beliefs and “my” rules to allow him his own, our relationship is once again soaring. I could never over invest in my son, and for all these articles geared toward the young parent and the new kids on the block, I have taken away a plethora of useful information and I cannot be more grateful. My hat is off to all of you who give of yourselves for the rest of us. Wonderful relationships and healthy bonds are being formed, for all of this, you should take a bow.
An awesome job, thank you both.
Marilia Di Cesare February 25, 2011 at 8:31 am [edit]
Thank you for sharing your story. It´s really nice of you to admit that you were often wrong. It´s a tough thing for a parent to do. I´m trying to change this old views of mine as well . I´m doing all I can to shift from indulgent mother to a more balanced relationship with lots of Janet´s advice and all the positive discipline I´m learning around.
Your comment is such an inspiration to parents that it´s possible to practice this gentle guidance at any time in life we try it.
Ed and Marilia (again
), thank you. Ed, you bring up a very good point. (Well, maybe it wasn’t your point, but it’s going to be mine.) We all make lots of mistakes and I don’t believe our parenting choices are “right or wrong”, correct or incorrect, negative or positive. There are many good ways to parent and it’s a never-ending process (I’m finding!)….and happily so. We all have the best intentions. The parents I admire most are those who work on staying open and aware (and that’s what I try to do, too); aware of the messages we might be sending children without meaning to; aware of new research and other information out there; and aware that while many of our instincts are productive for raising a self-confident, secure child, some might be less so.
In terms of RIE and my blog, my wish is that parents everywhere will know of RIE’s existence, so they have the option of utilizing Magda Gerber’s tools if they find that her approach makes sense to them. It has definitely made my life as a parent more interesting, easier and richer.
I love her site! Thanks for doing this interview.
Wonderful interview! I read Raising a Self-Confident Baby when I was pregnant with my son and now I recommend this book to all my friends. He is just the happiest guy around and the approach really help me build on my intuition and instinct.
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