One of these mornings, by 5:45 I was ready to work. I decided to procrastinate on the post I had started and write on a worksheet of Digging Deep, this book about self growth (yep, an affiliate link).
I decided to dig about my parenting issues and with the question to describe in a few words my trigger, I wrote down ¨I pushed Luísa away so strong, that she fell on the floor.¨
I tried to remember exactly when that happened (or the last time it did) and I had a bit of a hard time to remember. It wasn´t yesterday and it wasn´t in the last couple of days either. ¨Hmm¨, I thought to myself, ¨I must be getting better at this Positive Parenting thing since I have to make an effort to remember when was the last time it happened¨.
Before, it was bothering me that I couldn´t go on for one day without losing my cool with Luísa and now it seems that I have this a bit more controlled.
I´ve been through daily aggressive reactions to Luísa. It happens especially at the end of the day, when I´m so cooked that all I want is us to get ready for bed and she resists taking a shower and hides under the bed. I might pull her from there grabbing her by one foot and raising her upside down while I say that ¨yes, you are taking a shower!¨, for instance.
It´s not a sweet approach and I always feel very bad when I do stuff like this. I´m not spanking her, but I do squeeze her skinny arms at times or push her away or scream at her face (that must be scary), among other things I´m not proud of.
When things cool down, I always apologize to her and tell her how I´m tired and shouldn´t have acted like that, but it´s always too late, the damage is done.
I justify myself that I´m alone doing everything (the single mom excuse for everything), that I get little time on my own, that getting tired and reacting is probably normal in all households, but fuck all that, I want to be on top of my own behavior and lead a good example. It doesn´t matter how hard this can be, it doesn´t have to include me being horrible after a full day of good caring (or worse, start a morning like that).
I know many of you think it´s ok to lose it every now and then, ¨we all do it sometimes¨, you might think. But it doesn´t have to be like this.
I don´t want to excuse myself when I´m being aggressive. I have the tools to change this and I got to do it while my little ones is still a little one. Luísa is 4 now and I guess I have been having my portion of aggressiveness since she was 2 (oh the terribles…). That´s 2 years already! This has got to stop now!
So, back to my worksheets, as I was ready to start digging about being aggressive, she came at the door. It was only 6:05 am and once again my expectation to do some work before she was up had dissipated.
She came around whining. She wanted to watch Angelina Ballerina, only that she didn´t really want anything, she needed another bit of sleep, but that wasn´t going to happen.
Since I was just about working on my bad temper around her at times like these (getting interrupted, giving away the computer I wanted to work on and etc), I was quite aware to resolve the situation without getting angry, I was mindful.
Our DVD player is not working well and so I told her that if the DVD didn´t play, she wouldn´t watch anything else (like The Fantastic Mr. Fox on my hard drive).
The DVD didn´t work and she started to cry for ¨Fox¨. I told her calmly how sorry I was that she couldn’t do what she wanted, but watching ¨Fox¨ wasn´t an option.
She was crying loud and it was just about 6:10 am. If I didn´t have a neighbor in the next room, sharing our wall, I could have taken the crying while I got morning things ready, but it was not fair to my neighbor so I got us ready to leave immediately and by 6:30 we were out of the house, biking away.
Going for a bike ride is such a process to changing consciousness for both of us. Soon we were talking about the flowers and the crabs on our way, singing happily and having fun. We were close to the surf spot, so we went on to check the waves.
She seems to have fun seeing the ocean flat and knowing mommy can´t surf, she always goes: ¨No hay olas, la la la¨ (There are no waves…).
We managed a rather pleasant morning before I dropped her at school at 8:00 am. I still have to do a lot of thinking and digging to get rid of my aggressive behavior. I´m getting much better. Sometimes I realize what´s going on in the middle of my fit and it´s still hard to stop it (damn it), but I´m getting better at it.
I hope that if you lose your cool with your child (even when it´s ¨just¨ verbal), you can work on stopping it too. In fact, I´d love to know how you work on this.
{ 35 comments… read them below or add one }
This post is so honest!
I have no kids, but I think you’re doing such a great work with your daughter, Marilia.
Good luck!
Javi
Thank you Javi, that´s nice to hear
How I work on this? Give myself a timeout, just as I do with Malu when she loses her cool. Then only when I am calm again, re-approach the situation with a new attitude! Its the only way.
That´s a simple and effective tactic we have to keep going back to
What a very honest and open post. I have this problem as well but with three children. It’s HARD being mindful all of the time especially when there’s no one to tag team with. I don’t have a real set way of dealing with things. I just deal. Sometimes I’m more calm and patient than others and I try and note that I handled a situation positively and it worked positively. Unfortunately, sometimes I do my best to handle a situation the right way and it falls apart anyways. I just say “Oh well, try again the next time.” We’re humans and we are not going to be perfect and passive every time. I think being aware of aggressive behavior is itself a huge step in correcting the problem. And then any effort made is another huge step in the right direction.
Yeah, we have to keep moving forward and awareness about something is always the biggest step in change, just like you said.
Great post! Thanks so much for writing! This is something I’m working on as well. Sometimes I have to go out of the room. Sometimes I have to change the subject to something more fun (this is my goal – I just forget to do it SO often – much more often than I’d like to admit). Sometimes we leave the situation and cool down and sit quietly for a moment and then re-engage in a kinder tone. It’s a huge deal for me right now because I’m seeing my aggressive behavior playing back in the way my children treat one another. My new goal is for our house to be a safe place – one where everyone will treat one another with kindness and respect, because if we can’t have that at home, where in the WORLD can we get it?
That´s what we have to keep reminding ourselves all the time: to seek for kindness and respect. Sometimes, in the heat of the moment, I get to pause and think: ¨What´s the best way to deal with this?¨ The asnwer might be as simple as ¨not like this¨ and so I stop and cool down.
Oi, Marília
Me desculpe (mesmo) por escrever em português, mas em inglês demoraria tão mais…
Ler esse seu post, é como um respiro. Algo como “puxa, não é só comigo… é duro mesmo”.
Sabe, sigo alguns blogs de mães muito bacanas (you included!) e ver algo concreto
sobre como lidar com coisas tão tristes e difíceis de admitir em nós mesmas torna uma mãe blogueira mais especial ainda para mim, mais verdadeira.
Mostrar fotos bonitas dos filhotes, descrever tudo de legal que fazemos com e para
eles é lindo. Mas mostrar que nem tudo são flores e a dificuldade de lidar com isso é
que são elas…
Sou mãe 24 horas de 1 casal e trabalho em casa.
Eu “desandei” na época em que meu 2o. filho nasceu. A 1a. tinha 1 ano e meio.
Eu simplesmente entrava em pânico cada vez que a maior chorava e eu… gritava, me
impacientava — e o pior: sabia que isso era terrível, o fim para uma mãe que se
achava consciente.
Os 12 meses iniciais foram os piores.
Hoje eles estão com 3 e meio e 5 anos e, juro, só agora sinto que consigo me
controlar melhor. Por mais que eu tentasse parar e respirar antes de cada “desandada” eu não conseguia. Aí era uma mistura simultânea e instantânea de nervos a flor da pele, culpa, vitimismo, tristeza…
Lembro de ler que nada melhor que uma criança de 2 anos para nos colocar frente à
nossa imatauridade. Concordo totalmente.
Mudar de ares é uma ótima alternativa para mim também.
Outras são: respirar fundo, contar até 1.000 e até criar mantras próprios para os
momentos de tensão.
Obrigada por compartilhar conosco.
Bj!
Só mais uma coisinha: usei muitos verbos no passado no comentário acima. Apesar dos meus progressos, ainda tenho que usá-los no presente… A meta é deixá-los no passado cada vez mais.
Alê, eu andava pensando em como eu também não encontro por aí outra mãe que fale de suas agressões físicas, é duro admitir. Mas eu imaginava que falar disso seria bom para outras mães, ver que todas dão uma desandada com seus filhos de vez em quando (ou sempre), mas que a gente tem que melhorar isso.
Gostei da sua citação sobre enfrentar a nossa imaturidade com uma criança de dois anos, tão verdadeiro.
It IS really hard. I don’t know if I’ve ever thought if I wasn’t a single parent I wouldn’t be this way, because, I never had the option of not being a single parent having decided to not have the father around pre-birth. However, sometimes I wonder if I wasn’t, if it would help to do things like go shopping sans child, or just leave when the other parent got home at the end of the day. take turns, ya know? though I know two parent households where one parent is by far the bigger careprovider and really doesn’t get a break so that’s not a given either.
I know, for me, I’m so embarrassed when I see the negative things I do reflected in my son’s behavior. I know its been something I’ve worked on since his birth when the lactation specialist would tell me how important it was to watch my face and not look frustrated all the time. My son is a mimic (3.5) and he says things he hears me and other adults around him say, that we think are funny – like sarcastic comments, and they don’t sound funny. they just sound mean. but its not HIS fault that is what he hears, ya know? I keep reminding myself, this is a little adult I’m helping create and while the momentary aggravating behavior is annoying, more important is teaching him how to feel his feelings but response appropriately. My voice tends to be loud naturally and I have to work to modify that or people think I’m constantly screaming at my son. And he probably feels that way too. The other day a friend was playing a game with him, and he’s just learning games, rules, etc…and she got mad he didn’t follow the rules and stopped playing with him. She’s 40. He’s 3. What is she teaching him? When you get frustrated, stop what you’re doing and give up.
I try to remember that for myself, what are my behaviors teaching him? What is he learning from me? Am I showing him by how I act how much I love him? Its not easy. But even in a short few weeks that I’ve been focusing on this more, I’ve noticed an improvement in my AND his behavior.
Another thing that helps, look up child development. He had started to act out to a crazy amount and I was responding poorly and then I saw that around 3.5 they do…and it was easier for me to accept and react to better, knowing this was normal.
And I come up with some suggestions for alternative behavior when not in the heat of the moment. So when he starts to have a meltdown I suggest to him he go play with his toys in a separate area, go read books on the bed or do some art. He has a choice, its not a punishment, just a cooling off for both of us. Thus far its worked great.
I’ve also really found that our good job jar has helped both of us in focusing on the things he does well. http://parentplanet.info/?p=2300
Nina, I really like your suggestions, thanks.
I also think about how different it would be with another care giver around, I´ve often thougth that I´d loose my cool less often, not just because of the needed help, but also for being embarassed to act out on my daughter like that.
This awareness is not pretty, but it´s how it is.
I’m married with 3 y/o twin boys. For me at least, having a partner doesn’t really change my reactions. Yes I get embarrassed and sometimes I feel like a big monster. It’s awful.
I’m like you Marilia; in fact I found this blog because I just googled, “how do i control my behavior towards my kids” I don’t know why I react the way I do, but I know I don’t like it. I feel horrible when it looks like my kids are scared of me. I don’t spank them, just lots shouting, and something I’ll slam something on the ground out of frustration. Very childish, I know.
Thanks for your honest post. By the way, you had me hooked when I saw you surf. I do too. Maybe the lack of waves is what’s making me angry!
Thank you so much for your honesty in this post. It is so inspiring! I’m off to share it right now!
You are so brave to write this post, thank you for sharing your honest experiences as this is not something the other mums at mother’s group are going to talk about! I too have been shocked with my own aggressiveness towards my son since the tantrums and terrible twos started. I recently made a promise to myself that smacking or anything physical was not an acceptable way to deal with his unwanted behaviour, in fact, here in NZ it is actually illegal, although that never stopped me. Anyway, since I have decided to refrain from this I have found that I am a lot calmer as I know I don’t have that to fall back on in frustration and must use other, more creative ways to deal with him – it’s helped me a lot. But who knows what he will throw at me next!
Thanks again xo
Yeah Kelly, moms don´t often talk about it, everyone gets embarassed, but I think that if we could share more of this, we could hear more how others deal with it and apply other mom´s better solutions and advice (besides knowing that we are not the only ones).
And yeah, we can work to get better at it, but we never know what they´ll through next…
Hi Marilia (it’s Joan, I wrote to you lately from good old Europe, actually one spells my name Jo-N, so I’m gonna use this!
)
) They can also be busy with many things in a row, doing crazy things after one-another, like while you extinguish the fire they’ve set in the kitchen, they’re drowing the cat in the bathtub (sounds liek you’ve seen this before? 
). They are a challenge to deal with, and clearly my daughter answers to that pattern.
But I’d say, if you take the time, it’s stunning. If you’re curious, have a look at http://www.thework.com/thework.php The Work is free. I used it only after reading her book 
And it’s sometimes so fun using too! 
And so the child feels alone in front of not ONE but TWO adults. Could be worse than with us !! 
In her case, her partner started to scream at their son too, because he was defending her!
How brave of you to share this post!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am SO ashamed of my behaviour (the kind you describe) that I’ve never or barely ever dared to talk about it. I had tears in my eyes reading you, cos you connected with that part of me being lonely and deeply hurt by my own behaviour, but not knowing how to do better. Also not understanding why I react that way. I totally follow you and I think just like you: I know deep down inside there’s a better way, and I often think, I gotta change before she’s 6! then the neuronal transmissions will be mostly built.
You ask how we deal with it: my best friend once told me (she has a grown up girl now she raised alone) she would be so sad having the kind of conflictual interractions I have with my daughter/ like we shout all day (she said that while we were staying at ther home for a few days) That was such a SLAP in my face!! I didn’t know it was that bad. And of course I was said too.
She gave me a book about “indigo children”: this seems to be the new colour of our children’s aura since a few decades, although a new one is coming now. Indigo children are very bright, very conscious, they could tell you: “you chose to have me, so you’d better behave”
What they advise is to put the child before a CHOICE: they are very bright, they can understand, and they love to be in charge of their own life. This choice makes them see the consequences of their actions, and give them a feeling of responsibility. I’ve tried it and our relationship has surely improved by 50%. If I’d remember at all time, it could even be more.
So the kind of choice I could give her would be: Ambre I’m tired, I’m exhausted, I don’t have any patience any more. If you’re going on like this (whining, screaming, throwing herself on the floor, hiding, not wanting to brush teeths etc.) I’m gonna get mad at you and we will have a fight. OR you could calm down, and then we have a nice time together (“and I’ll explain you why I do this, or why you need to do that”, or I explain her how we’ll have a nice time….). So what do you choose? go on like this and we fight, or you calm down and we have a nice time? 80% of the time she chooses peace; when she doesn’t, I’ve noticed it’s when she’s far too tired to calm down, and I take it on me, and I don’t have a problem with that, because I can see she needs me to be patient in her eyes)
Another method that works quite well, is the famous 1-2-3 method. When you want an action of your child, you count till 3, it gives him/her some time to get ready to do it. You can also say, “I’m gonna count till 3, if it’s not ready by 3, then I’ll do this or that” Again if it doesn’t work, mostly she’s really too tired, or she needs me to help her clear the room etc.
But of course, digging deep is always better, you suppress the trigger, then you don’t have to use any method, it comes along naturally.
I have NO idea why I have to react so heavily, and just like you, I’m trying to find out what is triggered, and honestly, I haven’t found until so far. I must say I suspect myself of denial, because I’m so ashamed of it, I don’t wanna be that person screaming at her beloved daughter. That is exactly what I’d sworn to myself I’d never do to my own children.
It’s so deeply rooted, I know it has sthg to do with feeling betrayed by my own child, and “who-am-I if my own child doens’t even love me/ or doesn’t collaborate when I’m so exhausted (victim feeling)/ I’m unworthy of being loved” etc. Well, writing it down, I think that would be a big trigger by the way. But what I wanted to say, is that my favourite method to dig deep is called The Work, by Byron Katie. For someone like you, it would be a tremendous tool too, because you are already used to do introspection. The Work is 4 simple questions, and it can cut through your destructive beliefs as a razor blade. I’m using it again and again and again, but as anything going deep, it takes a certain amount of time/layers
About single’s mother aspect, I used to think like you too, until a very good friend of mine who shares our ideas, told me: it can actually make it worse! I would have never thought of that, but it can happen that your partner’s trigger is also… triggered at the same time as yours!
It’s getting late, and I’m getting tired…. I wish you a good night rest over there in Costa Rica!
Lots of Love and Light from Brussels, Belgium
Jo-N
Hey Jon, thanks for the source, I´ll check on that. I´ve never thought about two parents snapping at the same time, that´s scary, and I guess now I can picture how that can happen too.
The good thing about going to the root cause of it all, like ¨it´s how it´s been done for generations¨ or anything else, is that it´s easier to stop and see that the reaction has little to do with that action the child just did and stop for a cool off, make a wiser choice on what to do.
I think that as we evolve, we will be more prepared to deal with children. The truth is that many of us are completely ignorant about how to be around children until we have our own.
Marilia, I always enjoy reading your blog, and reading this post was just perfect timing for me as I’ve been thinking long and hard about this subject for the last few days. My daughter is two and a half now, so I find myself in those heated situations more and more often. For the last couple of weeks on a daily basis in fact. Desperately need to become more mindful of what is going on to tackle it better! Also, it’s quite a surprise to discover how much anger can be triggered in something that should just have been a normal day.
The comment from Jo-N about indigo children is interesting. I do remember well a lot of what it was like being a child, what I was thinking, feeling etc., and I do feel that children as a group are different to what children were those decades ago. Obviously the world is a different place now, but there seem to be something profoundly different in children in general too, even from a very young age. Is it just a result of modern culture and how today’s adults relate to them, or is there more?
In any case, trying to understand how our children perceive the world is key to making things work better. I find myself just assuming things a lot of the time. When I take the time to try to see things from other perspectives, I realise that the scenarios my daughter has been experiencing may be completely different to my version of the story.
Thank you Vibecke, it´s not really nice to see that other moms are having this anger outbursts but it´s somewhat comforting to see that we are not alone and we can learn from each other some tools be more mindful.
Definitely, it sure helps to work through these things with others in similar situations. I have to say that I have found the same as Tanya though – that taking a time out really helps. (And remembering to take another one if the situation still doesn’t get back on track.)
I recently wrote a post expressing my desire to control my temper/words/attitude when dealing with my 5yo son. It can be so hard, especially when this type of behavior is second nature. Yet, I agree completely that it is a choice and we just have to work hard to change how we re-act in these situations.
The Fried Pickle Phenomenon – That’s what I called it! Your welcome to read the whole post but a quick synopsis is:
My son and I both have absolutely no coping skills when tired. When we both are tired at the same time, well, let’s just say it can get ugly. Part of my problem is poor communication skills when I am tired. My brain just can’t seem to output words to express whatever it needs to express. So I just loose my self-control and yell. Big loud scary anything pretty much gets action. Unfortunately it creates fear as well, and more than anything in this world I Do Not want my child to be afraid of me.
After many other failed tries at preventing this sort of behavior, we are currently using a “warning word”. That word is “Fried Pickles”. (Yep, my little man picked it out.) When I reach that point of no return, I just say “Fried Pickles” and he knows its either do or die. (Of course by die I mean loose whatever toy or priviledge is most important to him at the moment.)
I like this strategy, so far it is working well for us. It does have a side-effect that I did not initially expect though. Those words are like the pin that lets the air out of my anger balloon. It just starts to fizzle out. I’m still irritated and aggravated, but I’m not at the brink of loosing it anymore. I actually think part of it is the comedy effect of the words themselves. They are VERY hard to say in a serious voice.
I wish you luck (and much strength) in conquering this. I am so glad that I am not the only loving mama who struggles with this particular issue.
Lynn, I love that. for me, when I’m tired I want quiet. and my son gets louder and talks more. then I get so annoyed…I know the end of the day I just want quiet and to relax. my son is an extrovert and wants noise and people. I’m not sure how to mesh those except I’ve come up with a few things he can do that he enjoys – watch a show, read some books, play a quiet game…and I can sit next to him or near him and be on the computer without interacting. but when we have to interact I’m just mean mom. I do find it helps to tell him I am mean mom right now and its not you but if you keep bugging me it might be…even just articulating that helps both of us. me to calm down and him to know its not him and we all get aggravated and have to come up with ways to deal with those feelings appropriately. as he’s older I’m definitely going to use your idea. Though my son is a big jokester and I Think he might say it all the time just to get a laugh!
I liked Lynn´s idea too, it made think of something even more silly, like putting on a hat to show that we are close to the edge. I think I´d have to make an effort not to use the magic words in other occasions just to get my daughter quiet
I also tell Luísa when it´s the end of the day that I´m too tired and she should cooperate before we get into a fight. Not in a threatening way, just matter of factly.
Lynn, I love your idea too! It’s a great suggestion, how good of you to have thought about some positive way to express the fact that you were on the edge. I’ve noticed too that problems come up when we are both tired, or if I’m in pain/sick, then I can’t deal with it any more (or less). Sthg I use with my 4 year old daughter too when I want quiet (especially during dinner when I’m exhausted) is playing “king of silence”. The first who talks looses
I actually combine it with a trick we learnt in a tale telling: the lady explained to the children that we all need ears to hear the tale, so when she was raising her arms in the air and shaking her hands, that would be the signal that we/children needed to calm down and keep silent. It’s a kind of game and she reacts very positively towards it, she especially likes the fact that we have to express what we want in gestures from then on 
I’m definately gonna use that too! 
“mean mom” I love that! 
That’s exactly how I feel then! 
Nina, I love your idea of describing the situation in 2 words that are so easily to understand for your son
A relevant point is that in those situations lack of time plays a big role. I’ve read that some people who were spanking their kids gave lack of time as the first reason. It means that when we don’t see any other option to make our kids collaborate and it is urgent (because of the situation or an urgent need), then we get agressive.
But with your tool, Nina, I’m sure my daughter will get it very fast!! Thank you so much !! Those two little words will be far clearer than a long explanation that goes on my own nerves when I don’t have the time (or energy any more) to give it
And thanks to you all for your tips! Marilia would it be an idea to summarize them in a new post? like some “toolbox for exhausted parents/5 tips to use before explosion”?
Sending you sunshine from here,
Jo-N and Ambre
thanks Jo-N. I do feel so absolutely mean and then worse cause I know I AM mean! I know there’s a point that I’m just done for the day. I used to say “I’m done” but then I felt badly like he might think I was done with him, ya know? I’m trying to take more responsibility that its ME who is choosing this behavior. the other thing I try to keep in mind – we say our children know our triggers but really, they don’t. they aren’t doing this conciously. especially before age 8, they know how to get a response as part of self-preservation but really, they don’t even comprehend right and wrong until after age 8 – they can SAY its wrong but understanding just isn’t there. its like my friend gets so mad when the dogs some in and get mud on the floor…that doesn’t bug me. but when I’ve washed the floor and adults come in, tromping their muddy shoes and see the clean floor, and the mud and do nothing to change that. and just leave the mud on the floor that drives me batty. a child wouldn’t deliberately bring the mud in to mess up the floor. whereas an adult should know better and should do something to fix the situation. (I really appreciate your post because its made me think about this more everyday and that mud thing came to me yesterday).
we often put more meaning, feeling and understanding behind our children’s actions then they intend, ya know? then we are mad at them and they are confused. especially when we have single kids or they are very smart. we THINK they should act differently but mentally and emotionally they can’t.
I was thinking about it further and when I live with someone else who disciplines my child I”m much more lenient. I find it much easier to step back and see that he isn’t acting maliciously but just like a three year old would. and I can be more patient. part of it is that I don’t like that he ahs all these people telling him what to do all. the. time. and part of it is I see how ridiculous they are getting mad at him for say, not playing a game right (according to the directions) when he’s three. or I see how ridiculous they are to over-react but somehow expect better behavior from him today his milk spilled in the fridge – clearly not anyone intended that but my friend got so mad she threw out his milk, his soda, all the food that was wrapped up…I mean it was overkill. plus I just don’t want to live that angry all the time.
Thank you Nina
I follow you entirely too about THINKING they can act a different way but they cannot. I felt a lot of pressure from my surroundings (family, mother…) from the beginning to believe they do and I’m happy to say that one day I made the decision (was hard to 
) to follow my intuition and I found myself right in resisting that pressure (and I still do). I so often hear that children know how to manipulate (my daughter’s very cute and very prompt to say she loves people or how cute they are, so “she’s manipulating”!!!!!!!?????????)
).
) or I might start to see the truth and feel that she can’t know at her age 2. if I answer yes to question 1. follow to question 2. IS IT ABSOLUTELY TRUE? 3. HOW DO I REACT WHEN I THINK THAT THOUGHT? I’m mad at her, I’m P. off, I feel like a victim, nobody’s there to help me cope with the heavy logistics surrounding a child/ I feel a lot of aggressivity towards her, I scream, etc. I’m sad, I feel let down, I recall how her father has let me down with everything to do etc. etc. I victimize myself. I might even feel betrayed by my own blood (cos “she doesn’t support me” “she leaves me with everything to do though she can see there is so much), depending on how bad the situation is, or not worth being “loved”/taken care of/supported… then I’d analyze those thoughts, to find out they aren’t true, and how I unconsciously put responsibility for my own wounds on her shoulders, which my mother already did (of course 
). HOW DOES THAT FEEL IN YOUR BODY? I feel a lot of energy in my breast and belly, I feel I could explode, I feel a rage inside that wants to go out. At the same time, when I feel like a victim, it robs my energy 4. WHO WOULD YOU BE IN THE SAME SITUATION IF YOU COULDN’T THINK THAT THOUGHT/WOULD BE TOTALLY UNABLE TO THINK THAT THOUGHT? (that’s the question I love the most cos it puts our way of thinking upside down, seeing that not the situation is responsible to our reaction, but our THINKING!!!) I guess I’d just clean the mess as fast as possible, I’m not angry at all, I’m totally calm, smile at her and say: wow! there’s milk on the floor, come let’s clean it fast-who’s gonna be first? and I play with her.
I love The Work. (after the 4 questions, come the turnarounds, they are gorgeous too, see The Work website)
Love and Light, Jo-N
Still I must admit that I do think very often that she could have behaved a different way and project my own expectations on her, out of frustration with a situation or a reality I can’t take/I’m bored with (probably just a thought! see what follows
That’s sthg Byron Katie deals with in The Work, I gave the website in another comment earlier. For example, a situation might be that I think my daughter could have not spilled the milk on the floor, cos I told her so many times, and she KNOWS she shouldn’t do it, and I have so much to do already etc. etc. That could be the subject of a “judge your neighbour worksheet”(free on the website) and this could be my first STATEMENT: She knows she shouldn’t spill the milk on the floor The Work helps analyzing our thoughts with 4 simple questions: 1. IS IT TRUE? could she really know that? yes, I told her so many times. What’s reality? she did it. What is it showing me: “she did it” so did she know? (feel the answer deep down in your heart) maybe I’d answer: she did it because she doesn’t care about me or how much work I have, then I’d have to analyze that statement (you see Marilia, it’s digging deep
So Byron Katie would say: what I hear from you, is that in the same situation, WITH the thought, you are angry, a victim, sad etc. and WITHOUT the thought, you are calm, smiling, loving, even playful. So what makes you react that way? the situation or the thought?
Good luck to you all on your path, it’s already a lot to try to find a different way
Jo-N, thanks for showing this process here, I also took a look at The Work (http://www.thework.com/thework.php) and it´s a great free resource. It´s amazing what we can discover by just watching our own very thoughts, getting angry at our kids being hugely related to our own personal process more than to the behavior that triggered a reaction.
Thanls Jo-N, I like the idea of sumarizing a post on what to do when we are exausted.
Nina, I´m with you with the kids not having a bad intent, but us thinking that they do. I realize this more when I´m taking care of a friend´s child and he does all the crazy mess like any child, but I´m much calmer with him than I would be with my own daughter, assuming that she should know better by now (yeah, right a 4-year old…).
I’m glad to know I’m not alone. The hardest part for me is first thing in the morning- the fighting begins in earest before we are even out of bed. UGH! It’s a hard cycle. Glad I found your blog.
I read your post and while reading it I thought hey I have this same thing going on at home but I use to be really calm and cool with my child and now I feel like I’m the worst parent ever tho to her she’s Turing 2 soon but she’s a big 2 year old and some times I forget she’s so young and I get really arengy at her but she’s also a hard child to deal with sometimes but she is at that age to push buttons more I just can’t seem not to get mad at her I yell and I have also grabed her tightly tying to get her to stop running away I really thought that this anger I have with her is from me being pregnant and the hormones going crazy but I just had my new baby and it’s still there maybe a bit worse and really the worse part about it is I think she’s afraid of me now cause of my anger and that’s not how I wanted my children to see me as scary.
Jen, I hope you find a way to do things you like and recharge yourself and that you can work on your anger to act more gently.
I’ve just discovered your blog… so I’m pretty excited.. but have a lot of catching up to do. I know your life has changed a lot since this post in particular, so this is more of a “holy shit, where we’ve been” sort of reflection, I remember those days…. I was a single mom for the first sort of 5 years of Liam’s life. I did a really stressful masters program during that time and any family support I had was more harm than good. There was some seriously bad behaviour on my part during those years. The locking myself in the bathroom and screaming “LEAVE ME ALONE” in the most animal (or devil?) tone I ever heard come out of my mouth, swatting at him like he were a rabid raccoon as I ran down the stairs to escape the constant barrage of monkey needs. There was the snow-shoeing trip that never should of been with the too big little snow shoes that made it impossible for him to keep up and me screaming that I never can do ANYTHING any more thanks to being a parent… Maybe a confession of nasties isn’t the follow up you were looking for… It didn’t REALLY make it that much better that in my “I really am a human being and a mother” moments I gave way more than my parents ever gave to me. Those are just the moments that make him a well-adjusted kid now despite me being a terror… Man, I really didn’t know what I was doing then.
When I had number 2, with the support of a crazy great partner, I remember anticipating the moment when I would behave badly, it would all run downhill from there and I would wish I could protect the world from me. Maybe I should even abandon them to protect them…. And it happened, at length. But the world didn’t end – again. And now that I’m older, a bit more chilled out, a whole lot more supported, I am a lot less of a shitty mom. When I do lose it, I manage to do so in a more meaningful way (ie less crazy abusive and more, “ok, it really pisses me off and it’s legit when. let’s try to do better…”) so I tell myself – I hope to get more creative and just not be an ass altogether one day.
Now that I see how great supported parents can be, I wish I could regress little Liam and hold him for all the hours I didn’t back then, rock him through all the moments I scared the shit out of him, give him all the things I am able to give Anders. I’m not making some conservative pitch for “kids need 2 parents” – hell, they need a fucking village! and so do I. But yeah, even in hindsight, whether it’s a learning curve, or stress, or whatever, it sucks to have memories of losing your shit on such a perfect, unadulterated little person who doesn’t deserve your baggage.
What do you do to make it better? A therapist once told me in those moments to grab them up and hold them because that’s really what you both need. On the other hand, it doesn’t get dinner made or anyone bathed. For me it’s mental. I have to remind myself to pick my battles, try to envision what I’ll teach the monkey if I act like this. Envision an alternative, what will happen if I just let it go for a minute. Usually nothing. But I’ll suck less when I open my eyes. When I remember to do it.
On the other hand, man, having a partner makes me soft. When did I get so lazy? Sheeze, I don’t even make breakfast any more, much less hang my own shelves. Looking for the balance point…
A ¨confession of nasties¨ is actually great, thanks for doing it. It´s nice in a weird way to know that others moms get to that horrible place. Even nicer, for sure, is helping each other to get out of there.
It really sucks to see the bad things we make our little ones go through, but you are right, it takes more than 2 parents, indeed a village to make this thing right.
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