One of these mornings, by 5:45 I was ready to work. I decided to procrastinate on the post I had started and write on a worksheet of Digging Deep, this book about self growth (yep, an affiliate link).
I decided to dig about my parenting issues and with the question to describe in a few words my trigger, I wrote down ¨I pushed Luísa away so strong, that she fell on the floor.¨
I tried to remember exactly when that happened (or the last time it did) and I had a bit of a hard time to remember. It wasn´t yesterday and it wasn´t in the last couple of days either. ¨Hmm¨, I thought to myself, ¨I must be getting better at this Positive Parenting thing since I have to make an effort to remember when was the last time it happened¨.
Before, it was bothering me that I couldn´t go on for one day without losing my cool with Luísa and now it seems that I have this a bit more controlled.
I´ve been through daily aggressive reactions to Luísa. It happens especially at the end of the day, when I´m so cooked that all I want is us to get ready for bed and she resists taking a shower and hides under the bed. I might pull her from there grabbing her by one foot and raising her upside down while I say that ¨yes, you are taking a shower!¨, for instance.
It´s not a sweet approach and I always feel very bad when I do stuff like this. I´m not spanking her, but I do squeeze her skinny arms at times or push her away or scream at her face (that must be scary), among other things I´m not proud of.
When things cool down, I always apologize to her and tell her how I´m tired and shouldn´t have acted like that, but it´s always too late, the damage is done.
I justify myself that I´m alone doing everything (the single mom excuse for everything), that I get little time on my own, that getting tired and reacting is probably normal in all households, but fuck all that, I want to be on top of my own behavior and lead a good example. It doesn´t matter how hard this can be, it doesn´t have to include me being horrible after a full day of good caring (or worse, start a morning like that).
I know many of you think it´s ok to lose it every now and then, ¨we all do it sometimes¨, you might think. But it doesn´t have to be like this.
I don´t want to excuse myself when I´m being aggressive. I have the tools to change this and I got to do it while my little ones is still a little one. Luísa is 4 now and I guess I have been having my portion of aggressiveness since she was 2 (oh the terribles…). That´s 2 years already! This has got to stop now!
So, back to my worksheets, as I was ready to start digging about being aggressive, she came at the door. It was only 6:05 am and once again my expectation to do some work before she was up had dissipated.
She came around whining. She wanted to watch Angelina Ballerina, only that she didn´t really want anything, she needed another bit of sleep, but that wasn´t going to happen.
Since I was just about working on my bad temper around her at times like these (getting interrupted, giving away the computer I wanted to work on and etc), I was quite aware to resolve the situation without getting angry, I was mindful.
Our DVD player is not working well and so I told her that if the DVD didn´t play, she wouldn´t watch anything else (like The Fantastic Mr. Fox on my hard drive).
The DVD didn´t work and she started to cry for ¨Fox¨. I told her calmly how sorry I was that she couldn’t do what she wanted, but watching ¨Fox¨ wasn´t an option.
She was crying loud and it was just about 6:10 am. If I didn´t have a neighbor in the next room, sharing our wall, I could have taken the crying while I got morning things ready, but it was not fair to my neighbor so I got us ready to leave immediately and by 6:30 we were out of the house, biking away.
Going for a bike ride is such a process to changing consciousness for both of us. Soon we were talking about the flowers and the crabs on our way, singing happily and having fun. We were close to the surf spot, so we went on to check the waves.
She seems to have fun seeing the ocean flat and knowing mommy can´t surf, she always goes: ¨No hay olas, la la la¨ (There are no waves…).
We managed a rather pleasant morning before I dropped her at school at 8:00 am. I still have to do a lot of thinking and digging to get rid of my aggressive behavior. I´m getting much better. Sometimes I realize what´s going on in the middle of my fit and it´s still hard to stop it (damn it), but I´m getting better at it.
I hope that if you lose your cool with your child (even when it´s ¨just¨ verbal), you can work on stopping it too. In fact, I´d love to know how you work on this.
{ 67 comments… read them below or add one }
This post is so honest!
I have no kids, but I think you’re doing such a great work with your daughter, Marilia.
Good luck!
Javi
Thank you Javi, that´s nice to hear
How I work on this? Give myself a timeout, just as I do with Malu when she loses her cool. Then only when I am calm again, re-approach the situation with a new attitude! Its the only way.
That´s a simple and effective tactic we have to keep going back to
What a very honest and open post. I have this problem as well but with three children. It’s HARD being mindful all of the time especially when there’s no one to tag team with. I don’t have a real set way of dealing with things. I just deal. Sometimes I’m more calm and patient than others and I try and note that I handled a situation positively and it worked positively. Unfortunately, sometimes I do my best to handle a situation the right way and it falls apart anyways. I just say “Oh well, try again the next time.” We’re humans and we are not going to be perfect and passive every time. I think being aware of aggressive behavior is itself a huge step in correcting the problem. And then any effort made is another huge step in the right direction.
Yeah, we have to keep moving forward and awareness about something is always the biggest step in change, just like you said.
Great post! Thanks so much for writing! This is something I’m working on as well. Sometimes I have to go out of the room. Sometimes I have to change the subject to something more fun (this is my goal – I just forget to do it SO often – much more often than I’d like to admit). Sometimes we leave the situation and cool down and sit quietly for a moment and then re-engage in a kinder tone. It’s a huge deal for me right now because I’m seeing my aggressive behavior playing back in the way my children treat one another. My new goal is for our house to be a safe place – one where everyone will treat one another with kindness and respect, because if we can’t have that at home, where in the WORLD can we get it?
That´s what we have to keep reminding ourselves all the time: to seek for kindness and respect. Sometimes, in the heat of the moment, I get to pause and think: ¨What´s the best way to deal with this?¨ The asnwer might be as simple as ¨not like this¨ and so I stop and cool down.
When my son was young and I was inexperienced, I always observed myself. It is easier this way not to get involved as much emotionally.
I also realized that bread made me too tired – so I stopped eating it.
If possible, diffuse high quality therapeutic grade essential oil of Lavender to keep everyone calm.
Oi, Marília
Me desculpe (mesmo) por escrever em português, mas em inglês demoraria tão mais…
Ler esse seu post, é como um respiro. Algo como “puxa, não é só comigo… é duro mesmo”.
Sabe, sigo alguns blogs de mães muito bacanas (you included!) e ver algo concreto
sobre como lidar com coisas tão tristes e difíceis de admitir em nós mesmas torna uma mãe blogueira mais especial ainda para mim, mais verdadeira.
Mostrar fotos bonitas dos filhotes, descrever tudo de legal que fazemos com e para
eles é lindo. Mas mostrar que nem tudo são flores e a dificuldade de lidar com isso é
que são elas…
Sou mãe 24 horas de 1 casal e trabalho em casa.
Eu “desandei” na época em que meu 2o. filho nasceu. A 1a. tinha 1 ano e meio.
Eu simplesmente entrava em pânico cada vez que a maior chorava e eu… gritava, me
impacientava — e o pior: sabia que isso era terrível, o fim para uma mãe que se
achava consciente.
Os 12 meses iniciais foram os piores.
Hoje eles estão com 3 e meio e 5 anos e, juro, só agora sinto que consigo me
controlar melhor. Por mais que eu tentasse parar e respirar antes de cada “desandada” eu não conseguia. Aí era uma mistura simultânea e instantânea de nervos a flor da pele, culpa, vitimismo, tristeza…
Lembro de ler que nada melhor que uma criança de 2 anos para nos colocar frente à
nossa imatauridade. Concordo totalmente.
Mudar de ares é uma ótima alternativa para mim também.
Outras são: respirar fundo, contar até 1.000 e até criar mantras próprios para os
momentos de tensão.
Obrigada por compartilhar conosco.
Bj!
Só mais uma coisinha: usei muitos verbos no passado no comentário acima. Apesar dos meus progressos, ainda tenho que usá-los no presente… A meta é deixá-los no passado cada vez mais.
Alê, eu andava pensando em como eu também não encontro por aí outra mãe que fale de suas agressões físicas, é duro admitir. Mas eu imaginava que falar disso seria bom para outras mães, ver que todas dão uma desandada com seus filhos de vez em quando (ou sempre), mas que a gente tem que melhorar isso.
Gostei da sua citação sobre enfrentar a nossa imaturidade com uma criança de dois anos, tão verdadeiro.
It IS really hard. I don’t know if I’ve ever thought if I wasn’t a single parent I wouldn’t be this way, because, I never had the option of not being a single parent having decided to not have the father around pre-birth. However, sometimes I wonder if I wasn’t, if it would help to do things like go shopping sans child, or just leave when the other parent got home at the end of the day. take turns, ya know? though I know two parent households where one parent is by far the bigger careprovider and really doesn’t get a break so that’s not a given either.
I know, for me, I’m so embarrassed when I see the negative things I do reflected in my son’s behavior. I know its been something I’ve worked on since his birth when the lactation specialist would tell me how important it was to watch my face and not look frustrated all the time. My son is a mimic (3.5) and he says things he hears me and other adults around him say, that we think are funny – like sarcastic comments, and they don’t sound funny. they just sound mean. but its not HIS fault that is what he hears, ya know? I keep reminding myself, this is a little adult I’m helping create and while the momentary aggravating behavior is annoying, more important is teaching him how to feel his feelings but response appropriately. My voice tends to be loud naturally and I have to work to modify that or people think I’m constantly screaming at my son. And he probably feels that way too. The other day a friend was playing a game with him, and he’s just learning games, rules, etc…and she got mad he didn’t follow the rules and stopped playing with him. She’s 40. He’s 3. What is she teaching him? When you get frustrated, stop what you’re doing and give up.
I try to remember that for myself, what are my behaviors teaching him? What is he learning from me? Am I showing him by how I act how much I love him? Its not easy. But even in a short few weeks that I’ve been focusing on this more, I’ve noticed an improvement in my AND his behavior.
Another thing that helps, look up child development. He had started to act out to a crazy amount and I was responding poorly and then I saw that around 3.5 they do…and it was easier for me to accept and react to better, knowing this was normal.
And I come up with some suggestions for alternative behavior when not in the heat of the moment. So when he starts to have a meltdown I suggest to him he go play with his toys in a separate area, go read books on the bed or do some art. He has a choice, its not a punishment, just a cooling off for both of us. Thus far its worked great.
I’ve also really found that our good job jar has helped both of us in focusing on the things he does well. http://parentplanet.info/?p=2300
Nina, I really like your suggestions, thanks.
I also think about how different it would be with another care giver around, I´ve often thougth that I´d loose my cool less often, not just because of the needed help, but also for being embarassed to act out on my daughter like that.
This awareness is not pretty, but it´s how it is.
I’m married with 3 y/o twin boys. For me at least, having a partner doesn’t really change my reactions. Yes I get embarrassed and sometimes I feel like a big monster. It’s awful.
I’m like you Marilia; in fact I found this blog because I just googled, “how do i control my behavior towards my kids” I don’t know why I react the way I do, but I know I don’t like it. I feel horrible when it looks like my kids are scared of me. I don’t spank them, just lots shouting, and something I’ll slam something on the ground out of frustration. Very childish, I know.
Thanks for your honest post. By the way, you had me hooked when I saw you surf. I do too. Maybe the lack of waves is what’s making me angry!
My husband always left early in the morning and came late at night, so I basically raised my son by myself, except for the weekends.
It’s tough!
I thought I was the only mom out there with these problems.
I wish I found a blog like this then, or maybe a group to share my feelings.
Thank you so much for your honesty in this post. It is so inspiring! I’m off to share it right now!
You are so brave to write this post, thank you for sharing your honest experiences as this is not something the other mums at mother’s group are going to talk about! I too have been shocked with my own aggressiveness towards my son since the tantrums and terrible twos started. I recently made a promise to myself that smacking or anything physical was not an acceptable way to deal with his unwanted behaviour, in fact, here in NZ it is actually illegal, although that never stopped me. Anyway, since I have decided to refrain from this I have found that I am a lot calmer as I know I don’t have that to fall back on in frustration and must use other, more creative ways to deal with him – it’s helped me a lot. But who knows what he will throw at me next!
Thanks again xo
Yeah Kelly, moms don´t often talk about it, everyone gets embarassed, but I think that if we could share more of this, we could hear more how others deal with it and apply other mom´s better solutions and advice (besides knowing that we are not the only ones).
And yeah, we can work to get better at it, but we never know what they´ll through next…
Hi Marilia (it’s Joan, I wrote to you lately from good old Europe, actually one spells my name Jo-N, so I’m gonna use this!
)
) They can also be busy with many things in a row, doing crazy things after one-another, like while you extinguish the fire they’ve set in the kitchen, they’re drowing the cat in the bathtub (sounds liek you’ve seen this before? 
). They are a challenge to deal with, and clearly my daughter answers to that pattern.
But I’d say, if you take the time, it’s stunning. If you’re curious, have a look at http://www.thework.com/thework.php The Work is free. I used it only after reading her book 
And it’s sometimes so fun using too! 
And so the child feels alone in front of not ONE but TWO adults. Could be worse than with us !! 
In her case, her partner started to scream at their son too, because he was defending her!
How brave of you to share this post!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am SO ashamed of my behaviour (the kind you describe) that I’ve never or barely ever dared to talk about it. I had tears in my eyes reading you, cos you connected with that part of me being lonely and deeply hurt by my own behaviour, but not knowing how to do better. Also not understanding why I react that way. I totally follow you and I think just like you: I know deep down inside there’s a better way, and I often think, I gotta change before she’s 6! then the neuronal transmissions will be mostly built.
You ask how we deal with it: my best friend once told me (she has a grown up girl now she raised alone) she would be so sad having the kind of conflictual interractions I have with my daughter/ like we shout all day (she said that while we were staying at ther home for a few days) That was such a SLAP in my face!! I didn’t know it was that bad. And of course I was said too.
She gave me a book about “indigo children”: this seems to be the new colour of our children’s aura since a few decades, although a new one is coming now. Indigo children are very bright, very conscious, they could tell you: “you chose to have me, so you’d better behave”
What they advise is to put the child before a CHOICE: they are very bright, they can understand, and they love to be in charge of their own life. This choice makes them see the consequences of their actions, and give them a feeling of responsibility. I’ve tried it and our relationship has surely improved by 50%. If I’d remember at all time, it could even be more.
So the kind of choice I could give her would be: Ambre I’m tired, I’m exhausted, I don’t have any patience any more. If you’re going on like this (whining, screaming, throwing herself on the floor, hiding, not wanting to brush teeths etc.) I’m gonna get mad at you and we will have a fight. OR you could calm down, and then we have a nice time together (“and I’ll explain you why I do this, or why you need to do that”, or I explain her how we’ll have a nice time….). So what do you choose? go on like this and we fight, or you calm down and we have a nice time? 80% of the time she chooses peace; when she doesn’t, I’ve noticed it’s when she’s far too tired to calm down, and I take it on me, and I don’t have a problem with that, because I can see she needs me to be patient in her eyes)
Another method that works quite well, is the famous 1-2-3 method. When you want an action of your child, you count till 3, it gives him/her some time to get ready to do it. You can also say, “I’m gonna count till 3, if it’s not ready by 3, then I’ll do this or that” Again if it doesn’t work, mostly she’s really too tired, or she needs me to help her clear the room etc.
But of course, digging deep is always better, you suppress the trigger, then you don’t have to use any method, it comes along naturally.
I have NO idea why I have to react so heavily, and just like you, I’m trying to find out what is triggered, and honestly, I haven’t found until so far. I must say I suspect myself of denial, because I’m so ashamed of it, I don’t wanna be that person screaming at her beloved daughter. That is exactly what I’d sworn to myself I’d never do to my own children.
It’s so deeply rooted, I know it has sthg to do with feeling betrayed by my own child, and “who-am-I if my own child doens’t even love me/ or doesn’t collaborate when I’m so exhausted (victim feeling)/ I’m unworthy of being loved” etc. Well, writing it down, I think that would be a big trigger by the way. But what I wanted to say, is that my favourite method to dig deep is called The Work, by Byron Katie. For someone like you, it would be a tremendous tool too, because you are already used to do introspection. The Work is 4 simple questions, and it can cut through your destructive beliefs as a razor blade. I’m using it again and again and again, but as anything going deep, it takes a certain amount of time/layers
About single’s mother aspect, I used to think like you too, until a very good friend of mine who shares our ideas, told me: it can actually make it worse! I would have never thought of that, but it can happen that your partner’s trigger is also… triggered at the same time as yours!
It’s getting late, and I’m getting tired…. I wish you a good night rest over there in Costa Rica!
Lots of Love and Light from Brussels, Belgium
Jo-N
Hey Jon, thanks for the source, I´ll check on that. I´ve never thought about two parents snapping at the same time, that´s scary, and I guess now I can picture how that can happen too.
The good thing about going to the root cause of it all, like ¨it´s how it´s been done for generations¨ or anything else, is that it´s easier to stop and see that the reaction has little to do with that action the child just did and stop for a cool off, make a wiser choice on what to do.
I think that as we evolve, we will be more prepared to deal with children. The truth is that many of us are completely ignorant about how to be around children until we have our own.
Marilia, I always enjoy reading your blog, and reading this post was just perfect timing for me as I’ve been thinking long and hard about this subject for the last few days. My daughter is two and a half now, so I find myself in those heated situations more and more often. For the last couple of weeks on a daily basis in fact. Desperately need to become more mindful of what is going on to tackle it better! Also, it’s quite a surprise to discover how much anger can be triggered in something that should just have been a normal day.
The comment from Jo-N about indigo children is interesting. I do remember well a lot of what it was like being a child, what I was thinking, feeling etc., and I do feel that children as a group are different to what children were those decades ago. Obviously the world is a different place now, but there seem to be something profoundly different in children in general too, even from a very young age. Is it just a result of modern culture and how today’s adults relate to them, or is there more?
In any case, trying to understand how our children perceive the world is key to making things work better. I find myself just assuming things a lot of the time. When I take the time to try to see things from other perspectives, I realise that the scenarios my daughter has been experiencing may be completely different to my version of the story.
Thank you Vibecke, it´s not really nice to see that other moms are having this anger outbursts but it´s somewhat comforting to see that we are not alone and we can learn from each other some tools be more mindful.
Definitely, it sure helps to work through these things with others in similar situations. I have to say that I have found the same as Tanya though – that taking a time out really helps. (And remembering to take another one if the situation still doesn’t get back on track.)
I recently wrote a post expressing my desire to control my temper/words/attitude when dealing with my 5yo son. It can be so hard, especially when this type of behavior is second nature. Yet, I agree completely that it is a choice and we just have to work hard to change how we re-act in these situations.
The Fried Pickle Phenomenon – That’s what I called it! Your welcome to read the whole post but a quick synopsis is:
My son and I both have absolutely no coping skills when tired. When we both are tired at the same time, well, let’s just say it can get ugly. Part of my problem is poor communication skills when I am tired. My brain just can’t seem to output words to express whatever it needs to express. So I just loose my self-control and yell. Big loud scary anything pretty much gets action. Unfortunately it creates fear as well, and more than anything in this world I Do Not want my child to be afraid of me.
After many other failed tries at preventing this sort of behavior, we are currently using a “warning word”. That word is “Fried Pickles”. (Yep, my little man picked it out.) When I reach that point of no return, I just say “Fried Pickles” and he knows its either do or die. (Of course by die I mean loose whatever toy or priviledge is most important to him at the moment.)
I like this strategy, so far it is working well for us. It does have a side-effect that I did not initially expect though. Those words are like the pin that lets the air out of my anger balloon. It just starts to fizzle out. I’m still irritated and aggravated, but I’m not at the brink of loosing it anymore. I actually think part of it is the comedy effect of the words themselves. They are VERY hard to say in a serious voice.
I wish you luck (and much strength) in conquering this. I am so glad that I am not the only loving mama who struggles with this particular issue.
Lynn, I love that. for me, when I’m tired I want quiet. and my son gets louder and talks more. then I get so annoyed…I know the end of the day I just want quiet and to relax. my son is an extrovert and wants noise and people. I’m not sure how to mesh those except I’ve come up with a few things he can do that he enjoys – watch a show, read some books, play a quiet game…and I can sit next to him or near him and be on the computer without interacting. but when we have to interact I’m just mean mom. I do find it helps to tell him I am mean mom right now and its not you but if you keep bugging me it might be…even just articulating that helps both of us. me to calm down and him to know its not him and we all get aggravated and have to come up with ways to deal with those feelings appropriately. as he’s older I’m definitely going to use your idea. Though my son is a big jokester and I Think he might say it all the time just to get a laugh!
I liked Lynn´s idea too, it made think of something even more silly, like putting on a hat to show that we are close to the edge. I think I´d have to make an effort not to use the magic words in other occasions just to get my daughter quiet
I also tell Luísa when it´s the end of the day that I´m too tired and she should cooperate before we get into a fight. Not in a threatening way, just matter of factly.
Guys, I use this roll-on on myself and my son, who is now 15. I put it on his temples (just a small bit), and he immediately calms down.
It is made of 3 high quality therapeutic grade essential oils: Lavender, Ruta and Valerian.
Another one which I like to smell lately is made of Vanilla and other oils. It smells so great – I can’t stop my “Ah”s.
Lynn, I love your idea too! It’s a great suggestion, how good of you to have thought about some positive way to express the fact that you were on the edge. I’ve noticed too that problems come up when we are both tired, or if I’m in pain/sick, then I can’t deal with it any more (or less). Sthg I use with my 4 year old daughter too when I want quiet (especially during dinner when I’m exhausted) is playing “king of silence”. The first who talks looses
I actually combine it with a trick we learnt in a tale telling: the lady explained to the children that we all need ears to hear the tale, so when she was raising her arms in the air and shaking her hands, that would be the signal that we/children needed to calm down and keep silent. It’s a kind of game and she reacts very positively towards it, she especially likes the fact that we have to express what we want in gestures from then on 
I’m definately gonna use that too! 
“mean mom” I love that! 
That’s exactly how I feel then! 
Nina, I love your idea of describing the situation in 2 words that are so easily to understand for your son
A relevant point is that in those situations lack of time plays a big role. I’ve read that some people who were spanking their kids gave lack of time as the first reason. It means that when we don’t see any other option to make our kids collaborate and it is urgent (because of the situation or an urgent need), then we get agressive.
But with your tool, Nina, I’m sure my daughter will get it very fast!! Thank you so much !! Those two little words will be far clearer than a long explanation that goes on my own nerves when I don’t have the time (or energy any more) to give it
And thanks to you all for your tips! Marilia would it be an idea to summarize them in a new post? like some “toolbox for exhausted parents/5 tips to use before explosion”?
Sending you sunshine from here,
Jo-N and Ambre
thanks Jo-N. I do feel so absolutely mean and then worse cause I know I AM mean! I know there’s a point that I’m just done for the day. I used to say “I’m done” but then I felt badly like he might think I was done with him, ya know? I’m trying to take more responsibility that its ME who is choosing this behavior. the other thing I try to keep in mind – we say our children know our triggers but really, they don’t. they aren’t doing this conciously. especially before age 8, they know how to get a response as part of self-preservation but really, they don’t even comprehend right and wrong until after age 8 – they can SAY its wrong but understanding just isn’t there. its like my friend gets so mad when the dogs some in and get mud on the floor…that doesn’t bug me. but when I’ve washed the floor and adults come in, tromping their muddy shoes and see the clean floor, and the mud and do nothing to change that. and just leave the mud on the floor that drives me batty. a child wouldn’t deliberately bring the mud in to mess up the floor. whereas an adult should know better and should do something to fix the situation. (I really appreciate your post because its made me think about this more everyday and that mud thing came to me yesterday).
we often put more meaning, feeling and understanding behind our children’s actions then they intend, ya know? then we are mad at them and they are confused. especially when we have single kids or they are very smart. we THINK they should act differently but mentally and emotionally they can’t.
I was thinking about it further and when I live with someone else who disciplines my child I”m much more lenient. I find it much easier to step back and see that he isn’t acting maliciously but just like a three year old would. and I can be more patient. part of it is that I don’t like that he ahs all these people telling him what to do all. the. time. and part of it is I see how ridiculous they are getting mad at him for say, not playing a game right (according to the directions) when he’s three. or I see how ridiculous they are to over-react but somehow expect better behavior from him today his milk spilled in the fridge – clearly not anyone intended that but my friend got so mad she threw out his milk, his soda, all the food that was wrapped up…I mean it was overkill. plus I just don’t want to live that angry all the time.
Thank you Nina
I follow you entirely too about THINKING they can act a different way but they cannot. I felt a lot of pressure from my surroundings (family, mother…) from the beginning to believe they do and I’m happy to say that one day I made the decision (was hard to 
) to follow my intuition and I found myself right in resisting that pressure (and I still do). I so often hear that children know how to manipulate (my daughter’s very cute and very prompt to say she loves people or how cute they are, so “she’s manipulating”!!!!!!!?????????)
).
) or I might start to see the truth and feel that she can’t know at her age 2. if I answer yes to question 1. follow to question 2. IS IT ABSOLUTELY TRUE? 3. HOW DO I REACT WHEN I THINK THAT THOUGHT? I’m mad at her, I’m P. off, I feel like a victim, nobody’s there to help me cope with the heavy logistics surrounding a child/ I feel a lot of aggressivity towards her, I scream, etc. I’m sad, I feel let down, I recall how her father has let me down with everything to do etc. etc. I victimize myself. I might even feel betrayed by my own blood (cos “she doesn’t support me” “she leaves me with everything to do though she can see there is so much), depending on how bad the situation is, or not worth being “loved”/taken care of/supported… then I’d analyze those thoughts, to find out they aren’t true, and how I unconsciously put responsibility for my own wounds on her shoulders, which my mother already did (of course 
). HOW DOES THAT FEEL IN YOUR BODY? I feel a lot of energy in my breast and belly, I feel I could explode, I feel a rage inside that wants to go out. At the same time, when I feel like a victim, it robs my energy 4. WHO WOULD YOU BE IN THE SAME SITUATION IF YOU COULDN’T THINK THAT THOUGHT/WOULD BE TOTALLY UNABLE TO THINK THAT THOUGHT? (that’s the question I love the most cos it puts our way of thinking upside down, seeing that not the situation is responsible to our reaction, but our THINKING!!!) I guess I’d just clean the mess as fast as possible, I’m not angry at all, I’m totally calm, smile at her and say: wow! there’s milk on the floor, come let’s clean it fast-who’s gonna be first? and I play with her.
I love The Work. (after the 4 questions, come the turnarounds, they are gorgeous too, see The Work website)
Love and Light, Jo-N
Still I must admit that I do think very often that she could have behaved a different way and project my own expectations on her, out of frustration with a situation or a reality I can’t take/I’m bored with (probably just a thought! see what follows
That’s sthg Byron Katie deals with in The Work, I gave the website in another comment earlier. For example, a situation might be that I think my daughter could have not spilled the milk on the floor, cos I told her so many times, and she KNOWS she shouldn’t do it, and I have so much to do already etc. etc. That could be the subject of a “judge your neighbour worksheet”(free on the website) and this could be my first STATEMENT: She knows she shouldn’t spill the milk on the floor The Work helps analyzing our thoughts with 4 simple questions: 1. IS IT TRUE? could she really know that? yes, I told her so many times. What’s reality? she did it. What is it showing me: “she did it” so did she know? (feel the answer deep down in your heart) maybe I’d answer: she did it because she doesn’t care about me or how much work I have, then I’d have to analyze that statement (you see Marilia, it’s digging deep
So Byron Katie would say: what I hear from you, is that in the same situation, WITH the thought, you are angry, a victim, sad etc. and WITHOUT the thought, you are calm, smiling, loving, even playful. So what makes you react that way? the situation or the thought?
Good luck to you all on your path, it’s already a lot to try to find a different way
Jo-N, thanks for showing this process here, I also took a look at The Work (http://www.thework.com/thework.php) and it´s a great free resource. It´s amazing what we can discover by just watching our own very thoughts, getting angry at our kids being hugely related to our own personal process more than to the behavior that triggered a reaction.
Thanls Jo-N, I like the idea of sumarizing a post on what to do when we are exausted.
Nina, I´m with you with the kids not having a bad intent, but us thinking that they do. I realize this more when I´m taking care of a friend´s child and he does all the crazy mess like any child, but I´m much calmer with him than I would be with my own daughter, assuming that she should know better by now (yeah, right a 4-year old…).
I’m glad to know I’m not alone. The hardest part for me is first thing in the morning- the fighting begins in earest before we are even out of bed. UGH! It’s a hard cycle. Glad I found your blog.
I read your post and while reading it I thought hey I have this same thing going on at home but I use to be really calm and cool with my child and now I feel like I’m the worst parent ever tho to her she’s Turing 2 soon but she’s a big 2 year old and some times I forget she’s so young and I get really arengy at her but she’s also a hard child to deal with sometimes but she is at that age to push buttons more I just can’t seem not to get mad at her I yell and I have also grabed her tightly tying to get her to stop running away I really thought that this anger I have with her is from me being pregnant and the hormones going crazy but I just had my new baby and it’s still there maybe a bit worse and really the worse part about it is I think she’s afraid of me now cause of my anger and that’s not how I wanted my children to see me as scary.
Jen, I hope you find a way to do things you like and recharge yourself and that you can work on your anger to act more gently.
I’ve just discovered your blog… so I’m pretty excited.. but have a lot of catching up to do. I know your life has changed a lot since this post in particular, so this is more of a “holy shit, where we’ve been” sort of reflection, I remember those days…. I was a single mom for the first sort of 5 years of Liam’s life. I did a really stressful masters program during that time and any family support I had was more harm than good. There was some seriously bad behaviour on my part during those years. The locking myself in the bathroom and screaming “LEAVE ME ALONE” in the most animal (or devil?) tone I ever heard come out of my mouth, swatting at him like he were a rabid raccoon as I ran down the stairs to escape the constant barrage of monkey needs. There was the snow-shoeing trip that never should of been with the too big little snow shoes that made it impossible for him to keep up and me screaming that I never can do ANYTHING any more thanks to being a parent… Maybe a confession of nasties isn’t the follow up you were looking for… It didn’t REALLY make it that much better that in my “I really am a human being and a mother” moments I gave way more than my parents ever gave to me. Those are just the moments that make him a well-adjusted kid now despite me being a terror… Man, I really didn’t know what I was doing then.
When I had number 2, with the support of a crazy great partner, I remember anticipating the moment when I would behave badly, it would all run downhill from there and I would wish I could protect the world from me. Maybe I should even abandon them to protect them…. And it happened, at length. But the world didn’t end – again. And now that I’m older, a bit more chilled out, a whole lot more supported, I am a lot less of a shitty mom. When I do lose it, I manage to do so in a more meaningful way (ie less crazy abusive and more, “ok, it really pisses me off and it’s legit when. let’s try to do better…”) so I tell myself – I hope to get more creative and just not be an ass altogether one day.
Now that I see how great supported parents can be, I wish I could regress little Liam and hold him for all the hours I didn’t back then, rock him through all the moments I scared the shit out of him, give him all the things I am able to give Anders. I’m not making some conservative pitch for “kids need 2 parents” – hell, they need a fucking village! and so do I. But yeah, even in hindsight, whether it’s a learning curve, or stress, or whatever, it sucks to have memories of losing your shit on such a perfect, unadulterated little person who doesn’t deserve your baggage.
What do you do to make it better? A therapist once told me in those moments to grab them up and hold them because that’s really what you both need. On the other hand, it doesn’t get dinner made or anyone bathed. For me it’s mental. I have to remind myself to pick my battles, try to envision what I’ll teach the monkey if I act like this. Envision an alternative, what will happen if I just let it go for a minute. Usually nothing. But I’ll suck less when I open my eyes. When I remember to do it.
On the other hand, man, having a partner makes me soft. When did I get so lazy? Sheeze, I don’t even make breakfast any more, much less hang my own shelves. Looking for the balance point…
A ¨confession of nasties¨ is actually great, thanks for doing it. It´s nice in a weird way to know that others moms get to that horrible place. Even nicer, for sure, is helping each other to get out of there.
It really sucks to see the bad things we make our little ones go through, but you are right, it takes more than 2 parents, indeed a village to make this thing right.
The other thing to mention is – it’s all in your attitude. I am older than you, guys, now, so I am wiser (I hope).
I always wondered how it is that some people are so nice to their children, even when they’re sick and tired. Maybe if you look at the kids as helpless and defenseless…
For example, I never let anyone babysit my son just for that reason – I simply did not trust anyone…
Your post is so honest and upfront. I can relate to so much to what you are saying but never discuss with anyone as a single parent. I feel so ashamed and when I have lost my cool, afterwards I too apologise and explain to my daughter that I was worng and tired etc, but I feel i have let her down, I often feel so depressed and suicidal of late. like she is better off with her father and that I am a useless mother. What is heart braking when we have such a great day together and then it all goes wrong and it seems all the good work is wasted. I don’t want my daughter to grow up with my low self esteem and my anxieties! but it seems when I lose control that I am pushing these very negatives onto her.
Walking away is essential. But aas a lone parent I don’t have the option to go for a walk and when going out the room I am often followed so it is hard to escape. However it is usually with tears and an apology so just the act of stepping away has more effect than yelling.
The other day I yelled at my daughter in a cafe, she poured a salt cellar over her food and ruined it and I did the unforgivable I called her a stupid child! she cried and the friend I was with was horrified. I cannot say how ashamed I am and keep dwelling on it. I did talk to my daughter and say ‘you know Iwas angry and did not mean it when I called you stupid, because you are not, you are wonderful and bright and certainly not stupid and I was wrong to do that. She looked at me and ‘it’s ok mummy, i understand’ . I was in bits. I feel i’m swimming in treacle mentally , finacially and sometime physically. I too am looking for any good advice and tips to keep this temper under control.
Reading your artical has made me realise I’m not alone and that your right it does nto have to be like this. I feel that was so honest and brave . the changes start here.
I get what you say about not being able to walk away, for being a single parent. This gets tougher on single parents.
Thanks for sharing and for commiting to change
Gemma
I wanted to share some reassurance. The part about your friend being horrified reminded me of this awful thing that happened with me and a roommate and my son when he was 4 ish. I love to snow shoe and, of course, I never get to. But someone had given my son a little pair of snow shoes (not very good ones) and my roommate was quite sporty and up for an easy venture so I put Liam in all his cold weather gear including a pair of snow boots that were a little too big and these horrible not very good snow shoes and off we went. It was hard going for him and he really was not able to do it, life had been a pain in the ass for a while and I was really at my limits. Instead of realizing that I was asking him to do something totally too difficult and unreasonable and picking him up and cuddling him and taking him back to the car, I refused to “give in” and totally poured out all the most horrible things I could imagine at him about how I could never do anything I wanted to do and… well, I really can’t even bring myself to type the things I said – please imagine the worst things you could dream of thinking of saying to a child but wouldn’t. The roommate is a very sensitive person and she was horrified. I was horrified.. and there was this innocent little person that just got a heart-ful of things he didn’t deserve. We recovered, he recovered… and the roommate is still a good friend who remarkably did not judge me overly harshly… I am much more slow to put Liam in difficult situations and even more so to criticize him when he has a rough time but I am still haunted by the event. I like to think that these things that we do sometimes help put the breaks on during future times when we might totally lose our shit. I will NEVER act like I did that day again but I’m not sure if I would be able to say that if I had not acted that way on that day…. At least, that’s the positive I try to take from it… But maybe better advice I got from a therapist once is that when you are having a rough day or you are about to go off, just pick up your kid before it happens and have a good cuddle – even in a restaurant (although those salt cellar incidents don’t give us much warning). But after a while you can condition yourself to do that instead of having a tantrum. It is good for both of you – especially if your kid is having a rough day and causing you to be cross. And it is an alternative to the single parent conundrum of “just walk away” since usually you can’t. I think for me that was huge. It sucks to always be told “just walk away” when in order to do that you almost have to shut your kid in the closet or something horrible that doesn’t really serve the purpose!
Gemma,
I had the same feelings when I was raising my son – he is now 15, and believe me, it is even harder at times.
May I suggest, that when your daughter is at someone else’s house, find a way to rest.
One thing will comfort you, I read somewhere – children unlearn quickly!
I wish I could help more.
Yes, I can – I use now high quality therapeutic grade essential oils, which are like little miracles.
Hello
I am so grateful to read your story
I feel like the worst Mom in the world
Recently divorced and mother of 5 year old twin boys. I find myself losing my temper and yellig at my kids all the time, like daily, i lose it completely sometimes and say bad things to them like they can go live with their father or I dont have to be there for them. I get violent in the form of I will slap a door whilst shouting – i never touch them
Its like a pressure builds in my head and I just snap,
I feel awful afterwards and apologise and all that – but the damage is already done.
I get exhausted waking up 5am, get them sorted, myself sorted, battle thru traffic to get them to school, more traffic to work which starts at 8 and I more often then not late. My evenings are revolving around them and their needs and io do not have 2 seconds for me – usually i crack!
Thing is they are really good kids, they even help me onw eekends by making their beds, vacuum etc. and they only 5! they have lovely manners except of late cause i think they playing up cause i yell at them. the worst thing is i think they scared of me. I need to stay calm always – this is only going on for a few months basically since the separation
Liza, I hope you can find peace in all the turbulence that taking care of little ones and working can be. On top of it all you have to deal with a separation. Please, be kind to yourself and avoid thoughts like ¨I´m the worst mom¨. I´ve been learning that it can be good to sabotage our own thoughts and think what we decide instead.
Is it true?
He’s ignoring what we are asking and doing what he feels like. I turn off the heater – it’s summer for chrissake – he says “Noooo” and goes to turn it back on. I say You don’t need it, it’s summer, just put your bloody shirt on, then more “No’s” and “I’m going to’s” and he starts to run away.
I lose my shit
It’s true that he doesn’t want to do what I ask. Specifically he want’s to do a number of things before he gets ready for bed. His way not ours.
So does he know what he’s doing. Yes.
How do I react when I think that thought?
I have to first identify the thought. Am I thinking at all? I don’t know… It seems one minute I’m just a little annoyed, the next I’m picking him up and throwing him bodily onto the couch (never EVER onto or into anything hard). I’m yelling, I’m making him do what he doesn’t want to. And my son is crying. He’s most of 5 years old and he is shaking and crying in shock and fear. Again… Twice in two days. I’m in such conflict but I’m so angry. One of the thoughts is ‘THIS time I will MAKE him see so that he NEVER does this again’. Even as I’m thinking that I know all this is doing is distancing him from me. Making me more the monster and less the brilliant father I know I often am. I’m so full of love for that boy and I swear were anyone else do what I do to him I’d tear them into pieces with my bare hands. SO HOW CAN THIS BE? I’m not an abused child, just an angry adult, frustrated with some of the ills of the world. But I have the best wife, a brilliant son and great things happening generally.
The guilt is the worst part. And a little time on, when I’m apologising, this brilliant, resilient little man just says to me, “It’s OK with me Daddy…”
It’s not though, is it?
Having a partner helps sometimes. We can, if one of us loses it, back up the other. As one walks away, the other is able to calmly step in. Sometimes though, my trigger is his disrespect of or hurting of my Kimmy. Actually, when it is just he and I, we are the best of friends. We never fight. Ever…
So who am I, what am I in the same situation without that thought?
It’s not that simple, and that’s why these techniques can be frustrating in themselves. The triggers are deep, in the limbic brain I’ll bet, so the answers are not in language form. What is triggered is bestial, not rational. It follows that it is incredibly difficult to bring to my conscious mind for rationalising.
I know above all, I need help. I need intervention in those moments when I am about to snap. I need to be read like a gieger counter, and someone needs to let everyone know to put on their haz suits and run for cover.
Adam, thanks for sharing. I too threw my girl angrily in bed a number of times, not good.
The only thing I can advise you to do when you are about to snap, or snapping already, is to run for cover yourself. Give yourself a time out, get out of your child´s way (go outside or lock yourself in the bathroom for a moment), breath deeply and then respond. It works well for me. I still use this ¨technique¨. You might want to come back and simply hug your son, if he allows you to.
And read http://www.essentialparenting.com/blog/, as the doctor writting it has lots of advice on controlling our darkest instincts and connecting to our children in a deep level.
We can change our patterns with a lot of focus. I believe I´m changing mine.
Good luck my friend!
I feel for you as I recognise this type of scenario from my own experience- that suddenly results in my extreme frustration and anger. It sounds like a little boy that is showing his need to govern his own life. I have recently recognised how little choice my kiddies have over anything and how extremely frustrating that must be to live with plus parents making demands all the time. In situations like the heater we can ask ourselves what our child´s need is behind the seemingly silly thing they are doing? Maybe in this case a need for autonomy or play?
We can ask ourselves, “What do you want the child to do?” and “What do you want the child’s reasons to be for doing so?” Do we really want our child to do something out of fear? Guilt? Shame? Obligation? Desire for reward? Human beings do not respond with joy to force or demands.
Check out this great excerpt from an book about “NonViolent Communication”.
Hope something helps in some way. I am certainly finding this transforming our lives at home:)
I recommend Naomi Aldort´s S.A.L.V.E. formula for controlling our anger. It is detailed in her brilliant book “Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves”. More info on this website:
http://www.naomialdort.com/¨
Here is a transcript: COMMUNICATION S.A.L.V.E.
Raising Our Children, is indeed Raising Ourselves. To care for the child, you must rise out of your own old repetitive thoughts planted in your mind long ago. Gaining freedom from the tyranny of old thoughts is the first step of the SALVE formula:
S – Silent Self-inquiry: Separate yourself from your child’s behaviour and emotions with a Silent Self-inquiry. This is the hardest step; once you can do it, the rest flows easily. Notice that when your child’s action elicits your reaction, your mind puts words into your mouth. It is like a computer running itself: your child does something and a window opens automatically inside your mind. This would be harmless if you didn’t read what it says out loud or followed it with action. Most often, the first window that opens in your mind’s computer negates your child and will therefore only aggravate the situation. It is not authentic and you are often out of touch with your love for your child in such moments. The proof of this lack of authenticity is that later you regret you words or actions.
To bring out the loving parent that you are, avoid saying or acting on your first impulse. No need to obey the words your mind recites. Silently read the words on the automatic window and notice how they negate your child’s direction. Notice the words you almost said and let them pass through you freely and without judging them. You may want to let your full expression occur inside your head including visuals, actions you want to take or memories from your past. This takes less than a minute and it harms no one. Whatever you feel is valid for you only and not a reason for action or utterance. It is an old record and not who you are in the present.
You don’t even believe your own words. Think about it; do you really think your child should not scream, jump or mess things up? Do you want her to be an adult? Should she really not say ‘no’ when you are trying so hard to teach her to be assertive (and safe)? Wouldn’t your response be more to the point when you understand why your child needs to do what she does? Once you understand what drives her need, you can find productive solutions; with clarity, you may be able to alleviate the need before it arises. For example, if she needs to hurt the baby, you can address her despair and jealousy so that she would not need to do so because she would feel secure in your love.
Notice that when you take your opposing thought as truth you are stressed out and you are not the loving parent you wish to be. Without the thought you may actually realise how your child is taking care of herself the best way she can and be able to assist her. If you are open to learn, you may even discover that your judgment of her is really perfect for your own learning. “She shouldn’t push the baby” may be useful to you as, “I shouldn’t push my child beyond her age and emotional limitations.” This doesn’t mean she can hit or break things. On the contrary, knowing that she would, you now know how to prevent the settings that promote these difficulties and how to meet her emotional needs so she is content.
When you are finished becoming friends with your own thoughts and realising what is actually valid and what isn’t, you can close the window on your inner imaginary “computer” and delete the “document;” it won’t vanish, but it will let you be present with your child for the time being. Another day you may have to inquire again. Over time, that particular thought will loosen up its grip on you and you will be able to act in greater freedom and peace.
Once you clear your mind from the irrelevant chatter, the rest of the SALVE formula is easy:
A – Attention on your child: Shift your attention from your reaction to your child
and observe what is real for her. Be on her side and do your best to find why she needs to do what she does.
L – Listen to what your child is saying or to what his actions may be indicating; then listen some more. Make eye contact with the child and ask caring questions that would provide him with an opportunity to cry and pour his heart out, or if non-verbal, to know that you understand.
V – Validate your child’s feelings and the needs he expresses without adding or dramatising. Listening and Validating are the ingredients of love. (LV). In this way you create a connection with your child and you feel present and authentic with yourself.
E – Empower your child to resolve his own upset by getting out of his way and trusting him. Show confidence in his resourcefulness by not getting all wound up and by not rushing to fix everything. Children come up with their own requests, solutions and ideas when feeling able, trusted and free of parental expectations or emotions. Feelings get in the way of the ability to act powerfully. Once expressed, the child regains his freedom and focus, and will either let go of the need or come up with solutions.
Nine-year-old Clint was crying because his sister Joy wouldn’t finish playing Monopoly with him. “I want to finish the game, I was so close to winning,” he cried. Ella, their mother, was ready to force “justice,” but she took time to (S of SALVE) Separate her personal reaction from her children’s dispute and run her own Self talk, Silently in her mind. She imagined herself scolding Joy, calling her inconsiderate and unkind and ordering her to finish the game. Then she examined the thoughts in her head and was clear that they were not the truth; her daughter is not unkind at all and her ability to assert herself is a good thing. She (Ella) would have been unkind to scold her.
Ella was then able to let the thought be and move on to giving (A) Attention to Clint and (L) Listen to him. “So you were very excited because you had a chance to win. Are you feeling disappointed that you didn’t get to finish the game?”“I am mad. I want to finish the game,” Clint insisted.“I hear that you want to finish the game and Joy won’t play.”“I was so close to winning and that’s why she stopped.”
Clint said.
Ella kept Validating and listening without changing reality for Clint, She empowered him by not getting involved in fixing his reality; as though she was saying, “I hear you and I know you can handle it.”
After a while he was done and started a different conversation.
Clint was heard. He felt connected to his mother who validated his feelings and repeated the facts based on his perception. She did not add drama; she did not mix in her own emotions or opinions. Her trust and consistent presence made it possible for Clint to move on.
CHILDREN AND EMOTIONAL WORDS
Talking about feeling sad, upset, or disappointed may or may not be grasped by your child. Instead, children feel most validated when facts are acknowledged. In a phone session a mother told me about an experience with her daughter at the pool.
Orna (5) came out of the swimming pool crying desperately because she wanted to stay longer. The swimming pool was closing for the day. Her mother, Donna, dressed her to get out of the building. As she was
dressing her crying child, she validated her experience by stating what was so: “You love to play in the water. Did you want to play much longer?” Orna responded with, “Yes, I want to jump more”. Donna continued, “I know, you didn’t want to get out of the water yet, and we were told to leave.” Orna stopped crying and said: “I love pool.” “Yes,” said mum, “and you don’t like to be taken out of the pool.”
“Mum,” responded a calm Orna, “I am not sad any more, I want to go home.”
Donna only described the facts and Orna could easily relate and feel content. On their own, children do not cling to painful emotions. They move on powerfully because they don’t have a load of history around each feeling. Avoid teaching them the adult art of “wallowing in one’s misery.” Adults sometimes dwell on their upset in order to generate guilt in another person, or blame the culture or circumstances. I am sure you don’t want to teach such skills to your child. Validate, yet expect her to move on; expect her not to take her emotions too seriously and learn from her. Emotions are a form of discharge, just like sweat and bowel movement. Emotions need to be acknowledged so they don’t get in the way just like sweat has to be washed off. Once the child’s need for understanding is met, she will move on.
Validation is a not a trick of control. It does not intend to fall back on our first impulse to stop the child’s expression. If you need to stop your child from doing harm, do so, but follow up with addressing the feelings and needs that prompt her behaviour. Your validation will not stop the emotional expression. The child, who discovers that you cherish her emotions, will let it all out in freedom. Be there for her for the full duration. She can go through it and come clear on the other side and you can do the same for yourself.
Thank you Morgana, I really liked all this that you shared and I will put into practice, starting with: watching the first thoughts go through before reacting.
Other things that are working for me in stopping behaving aggressively are: making a real conscious commitment to change, which I recognize will take conscious daily effort. I am learning meditation and focusing on my state of being as a major factor in how I behave with my children. I notice that my level of general happiness, sleep, worries & pressure are key. We can fill our own cup before imposing ourselves on the others by learning to recognise our own needs & make efforts to fulfill them.
I have put together a list of positive parenting affirmations (positive statements about how we want to be & act), recorded myself saying them, so I can listen to them on headphones every day and also read them. Affirmations lock ideas into our subconscious. We become what we think!
I have also discovered “Non-Violent Communication”, which is transforming our home gradually. Check out this link and the related pamphlets/books, check out videos on site and youtube. http://www.nonviolentcommunication.com/aboutnvc/parenting.htm
It´s based on creating connection through communication and meeting the needs of the people involved. As parents we are often telling our children what to do…When someone hears a demand, it threatens their autonomy & they automatically resist. I think many of the conflicts in my house around bathtime, bedtime, mealtimes, tidying, putting on clothes etc have been due to the kiddies defiantly protecting their autonomy- wanting to make their own choices in their lives! This NVC gives a fantastic 4 step model for how to communicate and take our needs and theirs into consideration, without punishment, force, rewards, blame or permissiveness.
Anger is translated into feelings and needs.
“Marshall Rosenberg, the founder of Nonviolent Communication, says of his kids, “And here were these young children teaching me this humbling lesson, that I couldn’t make them do anything. All I could do is make them wish they had .. [and] anytime I would make them wish they had, they would make me wish I hadn’t made them wish they had. Violence begets violence.” 1
Wanting to avoid conflict, many parents take the permissive approach. They aim to meet all their child’s needs and ignore their own. This leads to resentment in the parent, models self-sacrifice to the child, and prevents the child’s needs for contribution and cooperation being met.
“When we are angry with our kids, we are doing two things: thinking that they caused our feelings; and thinking “they should have ….” Instead, we can choose to stop and breathe, identify our judgmental thoughts, and become aware of our unmet needs.
Marshall Rosenberg:
“…hell is having children and thinking there’s such a thing as a good parent. That if every time we’re less than perfect, we’re going to blame ourselves and attack ourselves, our children are not going to benefit from that. So the goal I would suggest is not to be perfect parents, it’s to become progressively less stupid parents — by learning from each time that we’re not able to give our children the quality of understanding that they need, that we’re not able to express ourselves honestly. In my experience, each of these times usually means that we’re not getting the emotional support we need as parents, in order to give our children what they need.”
“We can only really give in a loving way to the degree that we are receiving similar love and understanding. So that’s why I strongly recommend that we look at how we might create a supportive community for ourselves among our friends and others, who can give us the understanding we need to be present to our children in a way that will be good for them and good for us.”
Hope something here can helps!
I wouldn’t stop the aggression, she sounds like an whiney ungrateful little bitch. Raise her like its the stone ages and don’t use anything electronic. And don’t go off saying how hard it is to be a parent (I get to hear this all the time) because if you do say that, that makes you a piss poor one yourself and i would highly recommend giving your little bastard child up to dcs and having yourself sterilized. Maybe this experience will teach you to either have an abortion or never sleep with a setback again.
Wetback*
First of all Anon you’re a prick and have no business being on here. It sounds to me you may have had a pretty rough childhood yourself. What a wonderful way to speak about a 4 year old and a mother who is trying to better herself for that child.
~ ~
I have the same problem but I’m not a single mom. I am just angry. My 5 year old son thinks I hate him and that I’m no fun and that I am grumpy mommy! I want it to stop and I seriously have no idea how to do it. My reaction to EVERYTHING is NO!! I don’t want to hear it and everything (mostly) triggers my anger.
I know how I behave is wrong and is teaching him to act out in the same way. For some reason, I feel like it comes and goes but is truly bad right before my monthly ugly. I feel mentally ill because I know I’m wring. What can I do and what have you done?
Keri, I´ve been trying to prevent the worse by being more aware of times of stress, like before bed or getting out of the house, which can be tough at times. So, I prepare everything I need before I can connect and go through routines with her and focused on my girl only.
I also suggest having more company and being less alone with your child if you are that often stressed. I realized that having people around makes me behave better. It´s not pretty to admit this, but whit more people around I never yell, but on my own…
We need to seek to be more mindful, but this quite depends on being able to control the stress in our lives.
I try to stop and think of options on what to do before acting. But it´s not always easy to do that, we are all on automatic response very often and this does not help on being mindful.
Keep trying my friend, finding the need to change is evolving already.
Moms,
we need to make a movie about this, or a book with everyone’s story to help other moms out there.
I have a big present for you and your children. I wrote a fantasy book, which teaches children how to play piano by reading sheet music, by ear, and by improvising. I use my own method to make learning easy and get the children to use their creativity.
Children become part of the book’s fantasy story, and learn how to play piano without even realizing it.
It is my gift to the world – it is all free and is on-line.
You and your kids can add videos, pictures, stories, if you like. I did not finish the book, but will continue working on it.
It is called WalkingOnMusicNotes.com
I hope you like it.
Eugeniya
thank you for being honest, there is very little help for parents who feel this way, because we are made to feel like horrible people and frightened that our children might be removed from us. I appreciate your honest open post.
Thank you!
Found this post after I raged at my daughter for not eating her dinner. I could be all the moms in these posts. I seem to have done similar things. I so wish I could turn the clock back and just be a better , calmer , less angry and aggresive mummy.
I have been a single parent from the start with no other support and I am ashamed at how badly I have handled a lot of my little girl’s childhood. My colleagues seem to think I am a super chilled out mom but every day I am secretly aware that the person they see at work is not the person I am when I am at home and that I have let her down far too many times. I feel so irrationally angry sometimes. I try to contain it or speak kindly even though inside I feel this sort of pent up explosion just under the surface and although I’d say I do control it the majority of the time , there have also been far far too many time when I don’t. I stomp and shout and then realise that she was probably just tired. I have at one time or another roared at her (which terrified her) , picked her up too roughly, thrown her onto her bed. slammed doors, shouted , forced her to walk faster than her little legs could work after we had to get off the bus home after she had a particularly bad screaming fit (it was after work and she was tired but I was only concerned with my embarressment that she was screaming the place down ) and I also went through a stage during her screaming fits of throwing a cup of cold water at her to stop her. . I once told her when she was 2 and had been running up and down church despite my best efforts to get her to be quiet (she was 2 and it was quite boring !!!! so she was actually having a fairly normal reaction- D’uh!) I said she made me ashamed. I just hope she will never remember that. I have blamed her for missing a train, I have been so frustrated when she doesn’t get ready I have pretended I am going without her and go out the door and sit on the front step which makes her upset (obviously). I onve got so cross that she wouldnt sleep after nights of disturbed sleep that i stomped into her room and threw all the covers off the bed and down the stairs, leaving her confused and upset. I then went and made us both hot milk and calmed down and spent next few weeks feeling absolutely wretched about it. I think that if I was an outsider looking in I would be horrified at my reactions. Once I do the above stuff < i then resolve not to do it again – but the shouting still continues and even though I do manage to be a reasonable mommy a lot of the time , I think these incidents have caused real damage. This has been a bit of a relief to read that other parents struggle with the same issues. I want to be the best parent I can be for my daughter who is a delight. I want her to grow up feeling secure and that she is loved . Every day I endeavour to do better (She is 3.5 )it's just that too often at the end of those days I look back with a sense of failure and regret.
Carrotty,
You know you love your daughter more than anything else in the world.
Love is most important.
I also raised my son mostly by myself. I think having a C-Section and a very hard labor did not help me either. I also learnt that eating bread made me very tired and not a very good mom – so I stopped eating it.
Now my son is a teenager – believe me, it does not get easier!
I started using therapeutic grade essential oils to keep my whole family calm. I use Frankincense to improve the mood, and RutaVala (a blend of Lavender, Valerian and Ruta) to calm down immediately (I use a roll on on my temples). It works instantly for both, my son and I. I also diffuse oils at night and during the day.
One of my favorites is StressAway, which has Vanilla – smells delicious!
You can both release all these traumatic memories with the therapeutic grade essential oils, if you like.
Please, don’t blame yourself, adding stress to your life. No-one is perfect…
What helps me is observing myself from the outside – it helps me separate myself from my feelings.
Do you do anything for yourself you enjoy? Even 5 minute-break will make a difference.
Thanks Eugeniya,
Will perhaps try the oils especially as I’ve started to realise lately that my outbursts and irritation seem to be related to my hormones. I’m pretty relaxed for 2/3rds of every month and then I start to feel the tension mounting.
I am single mom and don’t have any family support or anyone I can ask to babysit so I don’t have huge amount of time to myself.
I actually find going to work is beneficial for me in this regard as I get to interact with other adults. But I do occasionally take some of my annual holiday at work and put my daughter into childcare for the day and then have some time reading a book in a cafe or I go watch a movie which really helps me feel like me again and also helps me realise how much I miss her and love her and value her.
This parenting business is certainly hard. It’s real good to know there are others out there who are struggling to do their best but foul up sometimes too.
Carroty,
I am reading this interesting book about emotional release with oils. What she recommends is to go to the opposite emotion. What if you try to laugh – both of you. Try a phony one first, your girl will follow.
You see, violence creates violence, pressure creates resistance. The trick is to practice laughing. You can try it mentally first, then, when you’re in the situation, make yourself laugh.
Maybe have your little daughter do this with her toy – have her practice it.
Here is a video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IaDdPy83PPU&list=PLKXbc4lYPTKbA1rxdNJ2GXqjTPqxgacfU
Another thing – do you get together with other moms while the girls are playing? Or sometimes, take turns – one mom with 2 kids. It will be better for your daughter too – she’ll have someone to play with.
Some women also get a bigger group of women together, and let their kids play, while they enjoy a cup of tea.
Carroty,
what is your diet like? What we eat can make us tired, hormones run all over the place, etc.
You need to calm down to have your health. Some food take your energy from you. Then, when you are tired, and your daughter is irritating you…
Here is another trick – mentally, put yourself in a bubble (your own space), when you’re in a bathroom. You can use your hands too to shape that bubble. Think of being in your own private bubble. This is a meditation trick.
Ever used organic raw apple cider vinegar? It hydrates you and calms you down. You can add it to your water, bath, 1 drop to tea, salad, etc.
I was telling my partner yesterday that if Marilia never did anything for the rest of her life, she could sleep easily at night knowing what an amazing thing she has done to create this blog and particularly this blog. (My worst parenting I did while single but even having a partner now, I do things that I hate to put words to!) So many people seem to derive relief from reading these stories. When we demonstrate these behaviours we think we are the worst demons in the world. We would never judge other people so harshly for their behaviour. Then when we realize that these other people who we likely consider good people, they’re concerned and active about being good parents, and they do these same horrible things, we realize we can’t judge ourselves so harshly unless we are willing to judge others similarly. I think most of us are not. And thank goodness for that!
I hate to pitch anything. But… there’s a great book called ” Buddhism for Mothers: A calm approach to caring for yourself and your children.” It’s by Sarah Napthali. It’s such a centering book. I keep extra copies on hand to gift to my girlfriends when they hit these places as mothers. It’s not pushing Buddhism, it’s just a gentle, rational approach to how to speak to yourself in order to control the emotions that bring on these unfortunate parenting episodes. Especially when there isn’t anything new to try to improve the situation outside of the mind – as sometimes happens. If you have a moment for reading, it’s well worth find a copy.
Blarg, I hate going back and finding my typos! Should read: “And particularly this post”…. “it’s well worth it to find a copy…”
Thank you so much for the compliment! It came at a time I was feeling not very useful in life…
And thank you for the book suggestion as well, the blog is very open to this. I´m waiting for two books now, but this will be on my list, I´m not buddhist, but I read a lot about it and practice some meditation now and then, it´s more of a philosophy than a religion. Books like this are the best gift we can make, as long as people read it. I have two friends whom I gave ¨Your Confident Child¨ by Magda Gerber and they stopped reading it for a lack of time… But others really enjoyed it
Eventually, after spending numerous hours online at last we’ve uncovered somebody that definitely does know what
they’re discussing thanks a lot for the great post.
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