Innumerous days after days with a 3-year old during all her waking hours can be a challenge even to a zen-master monk. I´m not a zen-master monk, so I guess it´s ok to lose my coolness every once in a while.
The biggest challenge of the single-traveler parent is something like getting to the end of the day in a reasonable mental state, enough to keep the nurturing happening EVERYDAY.
Back home, I have my support system up and going. Friends can take care of my daughter Luísa virtually any time I need or any time I want. I might not use the support system as much as I could or should, but that´s another story.
Overseas it´s a completely different reality.
I´ve been around my 3-year old for full months. She´s been to school for 3 weeks now, for 4 hours in the mornings (little time that I use to work and tend to never exercise or simply chill not to loose any minute of productivity – as if that was even possible).
I catch myself frowning at my daughter a lot, getting pissed at the endless ¨whys¨ I hear in the day, at the milk spilled on her clean pajamas, at the non-cooperation moments (probably because I lack the creativity to engage her in brushing her teeth), at the nap she needs so badly but refuses to take and ends up grumpy for a few hours straight, at the lunch left uneaten and at the times she breaks things and we are not at our home, among other things.
I get so tired that usually I want to go to bed before she does, at 7:30 pm. I usually stay awake an extra half to one hour after she is down. Yes, this means that I´m down by 9 pm usually (if I don´t decide to party wildly and watch a full movie on my net book until 11 pm).
So the biggest disadvantage about being for so long alone with a young child is exactly this: being for too long alone with a child. It´s not having an escape, a moment alone, or a moment of simply chilling without caring for a little human being. Ok, I´m exaggerating a bit, but this is how it feels sometimes.
A single parent has it´s tricks to get things done though. Last time I went to get waxed, I took my netbook and put on a film for Luísa to watch. That´s when TV is good, by the way, when you use it as the cheap baby-sitter it is.
To get a quiet end of the day, I might schedule us a super busy afternoon, with lots of exercising involved (meaning basically playing until past sunset at the beach) and finishing at home a bit after her normal bedtime (having had a snack on our way as dinner), so it´s almost certain that she will crash in no time, and it ends up being almost certain that I will crash right after her 
.
When this happens, she skips the night-brushing teeth and maybe even the shower (the parent that never slips on making this happen, please share in the comments your secrets for brushing teeth success, really).
But surely, there are days when I´m burned out, when I wish I was home to deliver Luísa somewhere. I make plans on making new and solid friendships soon (I thought about adapting a friend´s strategy to meet women by taking yoga lessons).
Sometimes there are too many days without a solid conversation with another adult. I get into more superficial conversations for a number of reasons you can think of. I swear that everytime I see a window, I cut the small talk, and ask weird questions like: ¨What do you like to do most in life?¨
I plan everything for my child´s comfort and this often makes me uncomfortable, like being squeezed in the bus seat while she takes her needed nap between our travels.
At the airports, I have to say I envy the other passengers with bored looks over their books, iPhones and lap tops. Don´t these people realize the freedom they have to simply sit and wait for their flight? I can´t sit with my book, Luísa wants to play, to move, to be the 3-year old that she is. I need to keep an eye on her. And even though I ask random strangers to do so while I go to the bathroom and stuff, it´s hard to relax.
At the towns we visit, I can´t do many of the adventurous things I´d like to, like renting a kayak, surfing, walking long distances (anything that takes more than 30 minutes walking becomes easily a hassle or me being the horse), biking long distances, sip a drink in a bar at night. I can do those things with lots of determination and planning, but in the regular scheme of things, I don´t.
Sometimes, I wish I could sit quietly with my book or type some random thoughts at a spontaneous moment in the day, even simply chat with someone for a not scheduled amount of time. Sometimes I wish I could take just one parenting day off.
{ 9 comments… read them below or add one }
Marilia,
Right now, I am trying to eat lunch while my daughter is supposed to be taking a nap (but out of bed for the 10th time). It can be very hard for me to deal with my children (especially when I have so much work to do or I just want to take a rest and have time by myself).
I married and even though my husband is not at home as much as I want him here, I still can take little breaks. I cannot imagine how much of a challenge it would be to be your child’s only parent and to not have the chance to take a break.
You are doing such a super job and I really appreciate your blog post and what you have shared about some of your struggles. You show so much honesty and transparency.
If I lived close to you, I would certainly take Luisa for the day. She and my daughter could play together, while you do whatever you need (or want) to do.
I hope your day is blessed!
Beth
Thank you Beth, I hope we can meet in person one day. I know that much of my struggles as a single mom is like being a regular mom, given the fact that many are with their little ones all the time, but yes not having another family member around for even a little while can be though.
But you know me, I´m not really the kind to be complaining for too long, in fact, I´m about to write the advantages of traveling alone with a young child
.
You are so positive!
I look forward to your next post.
In a few years, I hope that we can travel more and perhaps we’ll have to meet up somewhere. I would love that!
I hear ya. While I’m not a single parent, my husband works and is also going to school full time so I am responsible for our daughter basically all the time. So often by the time she goes to bed I just pass out too, but then I’m so pissed off that I didn’t stay up and get some time for myself.
However, in ten years from now when they’re surly teens and preteens we’ll be talking about how much we miss them wanting to spend time with us like they do now. Sigh.
We either get pissed for not taking time for ourselves or for not having the enough needed sleep.
At hard times, I check on the perspective of this closeness ending in not much time from now and I can be back to having that dumb look of a proud mom wathing her child grow in front of her.
Marilia,
I know what it feels like, but hopefully you’ll be able to find new friends, not only for yourself (interesting conversation and vent-out time!), but also friends for Luísa, so she can take a break from you too. I think kids get tired of us parents too, and thats why they’re always pushing us to the limit!
They just want to test us, to see how far they can go… besides, three is a terrible age, when they’re tying out all their limits. With Cecilia it got to points that a few slaps on the butt were necessary – obviously, they weren’t meant to hurt her, but more the psychological effect of it. And they did work! It seems many times that the moment I was about to burst and couldn’t take it any longer, was when she started doing what she was supposed to be doing… so, she was just testing me!
Besides, remember she’s also in different places, with different people and is having to cope with all these changes too, and the best way to get your attention is…. misbehaving!
Take it easy gatinha, before you know it, the two of you will be having a blast!
Oh, for the tooth-brushing and even bathing ordeals – what worked best with Cecilia was doing it with her… all she wanted was attention, and so, whenever I was brushing my teeth with her, giving her all the attention she actually wanted, she’d actually brush her teeth! Good luck!
And don’t feel so bad, you’re doing a wonderful job!
Beijos!
Thanks Carmen, I know how the pushing limits work… It´s all good. Glad you found your way to make Cecília cooperate.
Know exactly what you mean Marilia
I haven’t put my 4 year old daughter to school so far, I’ve been alone with her from the very first moment, so somehow 24/7 since 4 1/2 years!! It can get tough, and I realize it makes me partly not the perfect mother I’d like to be, because of lack of time for myself, and friends etc. Even here at home, I don’t have enough friends and support to be able to rely on them as you do. Maybe because this is a town, and a european one… 
Maybe because I should have tried things to make new friends like yoga? 
But how to take yoga lessons when you don’t have the money for a babysitter and no friends to take your child at night? It’s tough…. I tried an exchange with my neighbours, I did, but it didn’t work out. Maybe it’s not in our mentality yet.
This is the way I’m having a relationship with my child, and as any relationship, it’s not perfect, but it’s ours, and I hope one day she’ll be proud of it, of the mother and daughter we’ll have become. I hope I’ll be proud of myself (I should start today actually! 
) for never giving up on the challenges this experience offers.
But I’m struggling to be a good parent, just the way you do. I hate myself for screaming too much, and doing the kind of things you talk about, being tired, exhausted, desperately needing a catch of fresh air… and then I go to your website, e.g., read some good advice, understand things in a new way, catch myself up and find the strength to carry on, just the way you do
You are among the people who help make it easier and smoother, so keep on going girl!! I’m proud of you
Yeah, it´s tougher if you can´t rely on people or have the money to get support. So that´s why we have to make friendships happen so we have people around us. But at times it´s just hard… I´m sure you are a great mother already, and even greater to want to improve.
Thank you for letting me know my writing can help out!
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