When staying at home with a kid you have two options: sink or swim. It´s that dramatic. Either you´ll learn to make a good use of your time and psyche or you´ll get depressed, I don´t think there is a middle way.
There are significant changes in your life when staying at home with a child, I highlighted a few here:
Isolation
Even if you had lived alone (while child-free), you were not alone for too long. You either worked full time or part time and you surely spent most of your day surrounded by other people (usually in the form of adults). Now it´s different.
You have company 24-7 – your baby. But other than that, you are pretty much on your own. Your schedule is now the baby´ schedule. Usually this translates to wake up at five o´clock in the first few months of the baby´s life (if your son or daughter is like mine that can go on for over two years) and after a mommy-day you are socially inept to talk clearly after 6 pm.
Friends are great. They offer to help you. They will come to help you indeed. But most of the time, they are not there. Nobody is. It´s just you and a baby and you doing some baby talk. You can´t even chat on the phone or browse on the internet because you´ll be interrupted too much. When you go out to meet people, you talk and all, but again, you are always doing things to make sure your baby is comfortable, so that diminishes a quality interaction with other adults. You often feel isolated. You are isolated.
Work non-stop
Being a mom is hard work. It consumes all your hours and your availability. Forget about a coffee break, going outside to smoke a cigarette or even going to the bathroom for number two in peace. Taking a shower? It´s not up to you to decide if you are stinking enough, wait for an opportunity and grab it with your life (if you are a single mom, like me, forget about taking a shower alone for the first two years, your beloved kiddo will always want to follow you).
If you are not a mom and have a regular job, you probably work 8+ hours and then you are done. You have breaks, you check your e-mail and your Face book. You can even allow yourself to be unproductive, but forget about this when at home with a kid.
No skipping tasks, no leaving the cloth diapers to wash the next day, no chatting, no complaining about your boss at the corridors, no nothing. Work, work and then work some more.
Reaching your physical limit of exhaustion (every day)
As I said before, it´s the most consuming “job” you can ever find. On top of this, you are deprived from enough sleep (check here for a deeper article on sleep deprivation suffered from mothers). Whether you breastfeed or bottle feed, you are waking up at night at some intervals and that prevents you from a needed deep sleep (remember that sleep deprivation is a form of torture).
This translates to you working in the toughest “job” of all times without ever resting enough. You can be a sportive person and yet, you were not prepared for the non-stop bending, standing up endless times in a day and carrying in different position a baby that keeps getting heavier (probably hurting your back way before you notice a back ache).
There is more. Soothing a colic baby late in the day, rocking him standing up (because often he won´t accept you sitting on a chair while you comfort him), washing, cooking, cleaning the floor (and anything else you see in a house), caring for the baby and on and on.
Emotional instability
All the previous aspects of staying at home bring you to this: sometimes you feel at the verge of depression and many times you are at the verge of unique happiness – it´s so wonderful and fulfilling to have a child.
You learn to control your moods, for you baby depends on your stability (or at least you feel that he needs it). But you might not be a zen master and it´s very challenging to keep sane (check my recipe for maintaining sanity).
You feel guilty for feeling overwhelmed and then you feel that it´s probably normal to have all these mixed feelings (joy, anger, solitude, proud… all very intense and in one day).
Sometimes you can´t cope with everything and you allow yourself a minute or two of crying and then you feel guilty again, for you feel your baby shouldn´t be disturbed with your weaknesses. My goodness, the guilty feeling might be present all the time if you don´t get a grip. But you do. You get a grip and get things going like you feel you have too. Feel feel feel, it´s all about feeling intensely all day long for years to come.
Meditation
The basic description of meditation is live in the present. That´s something you do now without any specific training. There is little room for wandering around and planning different things at the same time. The baby needs you and you are there. Or the baby is sleeping and the dirty clothes need you and you are there. You are completely present for what life is giving you.
It´s not just about taking care of the baby but also watching the baby, being amazed of little achievements the baby does. You are witnessing every moment, feeling accomplished by the little things. You are aware of the importance of a life developing in front of you, nothing could be more meaningful and you know it. Life is right there, your baby is right there, you can´t hide from this truth. You are there from moment to moment.
Ultimate Happiness
No other happy times in your life compare to the supreme joy of being with your child. You can only realize this when it´s happening, for before you didn´t have anything to compare really.
This happiness must also be some kind of natural defense in human nature to prevent you from going nuts or abandoning your duty. You go through all the overwhelming stages I described and yet, you wouldn´t trade this for anything.
As tired and acquiring nervous twitches as you can be, you never felt so happy. It feels like all the goodness in the universe is inside of you. This is what really keeps you going. From now on, you can´t imagine life without sharing the presence of your little one. What a joy to be a mama!
{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }
I do like this article, I have tweeted it out.
I was so caught off guard by being a SAHM. The isolation was overwhelming, I had no idea who I was, and the moms at work didn’t understand me, and the moms at home hit the floor running…and I.was.lost.
Excellent, and I think something like this should be included in all First Time Moms baggages going home.
Thanks for tweeting it Alexandra.
Definitely future moms should be more prepared to what´s to come, being the isolation what catches us off guard the most.
This is SO true. I’ve talked with a few of my friends who stay home and they say, you wake up? you’re at work. Lunch? At work. It’s a HARD job.
Even sleeping you are at work, ready to stand up and do your duties. And I forgot to mention in the post how we get used to eating cold lunch.
the worst is when the children grow up and don’t need you anymore. what do you do with all the nurture left over? they forget what was sacrificed for them, and a mom with no kids is just pathetic. i wish i had made more of an effort to be more involved in life. the endless housework, laundry, cooking, and homework consumed my whole life.
I guess you are right: “a mom with no kids is just pathetic”. After becoming a mom and taking this role full on, there is little room left for other things. I´ve been wondering what will be of my life once that Luísa is grown up and my youth is left behind. What will all this mom blogs around become after the kids are grown up? Is devoting so much time to this, making all the extra hours sit on a blog about mothering really worth it?
Juliane, I know nothing about you, but I hope there is still time and motivation to take on something different now. It can´t be too late to start something new, jump into another consuming project, immerse yourself in a new perspective.
We can´t really excuse ourselves from doing something remarkable at all times of life. As much consumed as one can be, life is still there, waiting to be lived with passion. We must find new passions and help moms around to do it before they feel too sucked in, but even when they do, there must be ways to rise and go forward. I I trully hope you find strenght, courage and a new motivation to make your life grand again.
I don´t know what to do with that nurture left over. Maybe use it on social projects, give yourself for free again. People doing volunteer work always seem so happy, there are so many people needing the love we have to give. Moms will never stop having love to give. It´s too bad we´ve been conditioned by our individualistic society to leave our love at home, but it´s about time we change this.
This article was truly a relief to read. I am a single, stay at home mama of a 5 month old little boy. It was so good to read this post and feel validated. Yesterday I was feeling quite burnt out from not having a break from baby ( i live with my parents who both work and support my baby and I). My dad showed me a blog about a 5 month old baby girl with SMA (spinal muscular atrophy). This baby will not live past 2 years old…It really put things into perspective for me. And it wasn’t like I felt that “mom guilt”, I just felt like I could do it. I felt renewed I suppose. Those parents never wish for a break from their baby, they value every second. But then reading your blog, this post in particular made me feel so understood. You’re right about the sink or swim mentality of being a SAHM. I’ve been fighting to swim. I know the power of depression and where it can take people. Thanks for expending your energy to spread positivity. I will be encouraged. Just the other day I found myself trying to explain to a friend with no children what it’s like to be a mother. How it’s more than a full time job, it definitely doesn’t end at 5 pm or even 1o pm. Anyways, thanks for your words.
Nice,thank you for your words!
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