Recently I´ve been thinking of how wrong I go when I lose my temper while trying to discipline Luísa. This looks so obvious written down like this. I`m obviously missing the point if I start raising my voice.
Yesterday we were at a friend´s house. Luísa spread a big box of toys on the floor and though I told her to pick them up before we left, she was just playing deaf. So, as other people were waiting for us, I started to lose my patience, and there´s when I went wrong. I started to demand that she put the toys away in an angry tone that had absolutely no effect on the action desired. In fact, it was inspiring Luísa to do the opposite. In a matter of seconds, I was mad at her and then I had to put the toys away myself not to make the people wait while I tried to show my daughter a lesson. It´s clear that I missed the point there, like I must have many other times as well.
At least, when situations like this happen, I get to think of what I´m doing and what I can do to change this. In this particular example it´s clear to me that I can´t discipline her while I make other people wait. Not that the other people will mind waiting another 5 or 10 minutes, but because I can´t bear to make people wait, I get irritated and miss the point easily.
When I can keep a good mood in the situation, I can make people wait, otherwise, it´s just better to let go of the lesson and keep going. Making the lesson go wrong like that must be worse than simply putting away the toys quickly and not drawing attention to the fact that I´m being disobeyed.
I guess that´s one point when parent´s go wrong, it´s this thin line between the lesson to be taught and the disobedience which are two different things. It´s easy to get pissed off by the disobedience and stress on that, rather than correctly act on what you want the kid to learn.
Well, screw obedience! Of course I want my daughter to obey me, but that´s not the point most of the time. And yet I act like it is the point. Does the same happen to you? It´s quite unusual for parents to realize this, though. Parents love to think they are teaching the best lessons all the time. But the truth is that we often fail in the adult bad habit of wanting the power rather than establishing the right and wrong of the situation.
So this is what I think we should do: at the first sign of tyranny on our part, stop! Think about the lesson we want the kid to learn and think of the best way to achieve it. Drop the lesson if the conditions are not propitious, leave it for later. This thinking it over might take a minute or so. Do it. Take the time to figure it out. Make the lesson slow if you need, but make sure you are acting the right way.
As I try to apply my advice, I see that many times I simply drop the lesson. And you know what? It´s much nicer! It´s not that I´m not teaching Luísa anything, it´s more like I´m teaching her when it feels right and convenient, not just because as her mother I have to teach teach teach. To teach anything, one must be ready. And that means being prepared intellectually and emotionally. It´s not easy, but with time conditioning ourselves on this path, we can only get better. And this will reflect back making the lesson be learned more effectively.
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{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }
Great post ! I really admire when people stop to realize if the path they are going is even the better or not. What matter is not if we make some mistakes sometimes but how we will think about to change them. Your post is about this. And when we are talking about kids´s education it´s absolutely necessary. Nobody has all the answers in the hat but everybody has the possibility to think and then build good things as teach.
Thanks to share your experiences and knowledges. It sounds quite usefull.
Alan !
I´m happy that you enjoyed the article Alan.
I guess you are right. It´s what we learn with our mistakes that makes them useful.
If we just keep repeating mistakes, than we are going towards being dumb, but if we can change a behavior based on what we realized is not right, than we can really take something good out of mistakes.
I think I would’ve taken a different approach to this. Instead of assuming negative intent on her part, I would’ve assumed the opposite and then looked for the need. Children always have a need underneath any action; it isn’t always easy to find or sometimes we just resist meeting it but it is always there demanding our attention.
Instead of viewing this as an opportunity to “teach” I would’ve viewed it as an opportunity to connect. And instead of giving orders, I would’ve given my help, explaining the situation and assisting the cleanup efforts.
PS Thanks for contributing your link to Inspiration Mondays. Don’t forget to add a link back in your post.
Whoops! Forgot my link!
Thanks for your idea. I guess you are right and I will start using more opportunities to connect like you suggest. Giving orders usually don´t work but helping and assisting is a much better approach. Sorry for the delay, but your link is up there now…
It’s great when we can realize our own shortcomings. I find that often we raise our voice, or assert our power in front of others in an effort to be sure they can see that we’re in control … which is a strange way to do it, because, that’s precisely when we are not in control! I’ve found that it’s easier, less stressful, and likely an even better lesson for our children, if we slow down, offer to help, show the way. No judgement, no saving face, no feelings of guilt or anger.
Thanks for the reminder today. My son is 23, and I still try to meet him where he is … now that he’s an adult, I think he does the same for me.
Thanks for sharing Jane.
I´m getting great insights from these comments